Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Alone Again (Condominiumally)

I would not characterize my wife as ‘forgetful’.

(Because trust me, if I did, she’d never forget that. Or let me, either.)

But I will say this, and she’d surely agree: If you were betting on who would, for instance, leave their phone accidentally at home on a workday, or forget their ID on the way to a bar, or buzz the doorbell frantically at some ungodly-early hour of the morning because they’d walked the dog without grabbing their keys — again, and sometimes twice in the same fricking week — the safe money’s on her. Every time.

Again, she doesn’t do these things often, in the grand scheme of things. I’m the oddball, actually — because I almost never have such lapses. I can think of one time I locked myself out of the house in the last dozen years, and maybe two or three days I walked out without my phone. She could do the same in a month, maybe less.

It’s shocking, I know. I wear the goofball pants in this family; if anyone should be marching out the door without keys or wallet or pants, it ought to be me. But no.

“I wear the goofball pants in this family; if anyone should be marching out the door without keys or wallet or pants, it ought to be me.”

I tell you that to tell you this: My wife is out of town this weekend. Along with, so far as I know, her keys, wallet, phone and ID. And pants. But I’m holding down the fort here until Monday night — just me and the mutt.

As I was walking said mutt this morning, I ran into one of our upstairs neighbors. We have the bottom unit in a three-story brownstone; this lady lives on the third floor. We exchanged greetings and she cheerfully offered:

Looks like you guys have the place to yourselves this weekend. The second floor’s already gone, and we’re getting out of here by noon.

Well, that’s different. It’s one thing to be missusless for a few days. But now the entire building is being vacated? What, are we fumigating the place for pests?

(Probably. I bet I’m the pest. Am I the pest? I bet I am.)

So now the persnickety pooch and I have the run of the whole structure for the next forty-eight hours or so. No one here to make any noise, or hear our noise, or run into in the entryway or down in the basement. Just me and the dog. Nobody else. All alone in the building.

You know what this means, of course.

This — this — is the weekend when I finally lock myself out of the house.

Let’s face it, it’s almost guaranteed. There’s no safety net. No wife coming home from work, or neighbors upstairs to buzz me in. If I step out the door without keys right now, I’m not getting back in until Monday night. And I could starve by then. All the nacho fixins are inside the condo.

(Come to think of it, I wouldn’t get back in the house until Tuesday sometime. Because I’m supposed to pick my wife up at the airport on Monday night — and if she has to take a cab home, I might as well sleep on the front walk, anyway. At least the porch steps won’t kick me in the back while I sleep.)

The point being, this is undoubtedly the least convenient time possible to find myself locked out of the house. Which is why it’s also the overwhelmingly most likely time to occur. That’s how life happens — when you’re not looking, and you have no backup plans. Also, possibly when you’re not wearing any pants.

So if you don’t hear from me for a few days — or you see some hungry dork in his underwear walking a dog outside your window this weekend — just know that the inevitable happened. And that there’s an entirely empty building nearby with all my stuff and no people in it.

Also, nacho fixins. Because life is cruel that way.

Permalink  |  No Comments



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved