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Don’t Dream It’s Ever (Going to Work Again)

Technology has foiled me once again.

Only in this case, it’s my crappy old desktop computer, which hardly even counts as ‘technology’ any more. This thing is to ‘cutting edge’ as Courtney Love is to ‘shrinking violet’. Or as John Goodman is to ‘SlimFast poster child’. Or as Ashlee Simpson is to ‘Nobel Prize contender’. I think you can see what I’m trying to say here.

Now, to be fair, parts of this machine work quite well. I’ve never had an issue with the zip drive, for instance. Of course, I’ve never actually used the zip drive, as far as I can remember, but as far as I know, it works just dandy. As does the microphone jack, which has been collecting dust for the past four years, along with the ’80s-technology built-in modem port. I’m telling you, this baby is just a couple of years too new to have reel-to-reel wall-mounted tape drives and cassette player inputs. Or so it seems, anyway.

Actually, the thing’s not that ancient — three years old, maybe four. But it seems older, because it’s so damned fragile in so many ways. The floppy drive, for instance, is toast. The little light on the front that indicates it’s reading a disk glows away merrily at all hours of the day and night, letting the world know that yes, at this very moment, it’s working to extract data from the air inside the drive. Insert a disk, and it hums in a satisfied and reassuring manner, before chirping loudly and starting this conversation:

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: But… I just did. There’s a disk in drive ‘A’ right now.

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: I don’t think you understand. It’s in there. Right now. Go see!

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: Fine. Here’s another disk. You should like this one; it’s made by the MicroSoft demons that forged your hellspawn OS. How’s that?

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: Sonofa… Is there some error? How’s the drive look?

Floppy Drive: Drive ‘A’ ready. Please insert a floppy disk!

Me: Hey, something different — progress! Let’s try this disk again.

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: You’re the reason Amish people hate us. You know that, right? Bastard.

Of course, a balky floppy drive is of little consequence, really. Nobody uses floppies any more, except as coasters and kitsch art accessories. They’ve gone the way of the dinosaurs, the dodo birds, and Dick Clark’s singing voice. The floppy drive, I could live without.

But it seems the stubborn obtuse streak started by the floppy drive is contagious. Like wildfire, it’s spread to the DVD drive (‘Disc? I don’t see no disc.‘), the mouse (‘Are you clicking something? ‘Cause I sure don’t feel it.‘), and finally tonight to the CD-R drive (‘Sure, I’ll write out some songs for you… but onto what? I don’t see anything in the drive.‘). It’s as though there were ‘stupid juice’ in the water my computer is drinking, or maybe the hamster sitting inside the thing keeping it running is finally getting senile.

Whatever it is, it’s got me stymied. I just had a conversation very similar to the one above, only an order of magnitude longer, and with far, far more cursing. Also, it concerned burning a CD, so iTunes decided to intervene and only served to escalate the extracurriculars going on. Hey, iTunes — when I want your Apple-lovin’ help, I’ll reach into my start menu and throttle it out of you. Until then, stay the hell out of it. This is between me and the hardware; you’re only gonna get yourself hurt.

I suppose the only immediate consequence of this is that the world will have to wait until another day for my killer phat ‘Best of Crowded House‘ mix CD. And as tragic as that seems right now, somehow I imagine the world will manage to struggle through in its absence. I suppose you and I will, too. I’m not sure how, exactly, in the face of this crisis; we’ll just have to find a way. Be strong, my friend. Be something. So. Strong.

(God, I’m such a dork.)