Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Really, It Was Supposed to Be About Groceries

They say you shouldn’t shop for groceries when you’re hungry. And I believe that — I’ve done it, and it never really goes well. I always end up coming home with three hundred dollars worth of food that ‘only looked good in the store’.

Which puzzles me a little bit, I have to admit. See, as a rule, I don’t get all that excited about food — sure, I eat it, and I like a lot of it. And I wrote fifteen hundred words, right here, about a sandwich the other day.

Okay, okay, so apparently I do get excited about food, sometimes. But I certainly don’t get my flagpole in a tizzy over making food. And that’s what you go to the grocery store for, generally — ‘meal parts’, that you can mix and match and chop up to make actual, edible food. That’s why it’s so weird that I come home with such nonsense sometimes — I know that I’m never, ever going to do anything useful with ginger root, or lentils, or a pomegranate, for chrissakes. I don’t even know what a pomegranate is, really — is it an apple on steroids? A mutated orange? Some hideous cran-pear-cherry Frankensteinian concoction? I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve got no business buying one. I’m an idiot.

But you know — I don’t have this problem in other stores. I don’t buy more booze at the liquor store, if I go in there hammered. Or stock up on new goodies at the bookstore, if I’ve been reading lots of cereal boxes. And I don’t come home with piles of clothes from American Eagle, when I go to the mall naked.

(Okay, okay… so, for the record, I only went to the mall naked once. And they sent me home before I could buy any clothes, actually. Hell, you’d think they’d realize when they’ve got an easy sale, right? I mean, hell-oooo — winkie hanging out over here by the underwear aisle!

But no. They just escorted me out, and turned me over to security. At least they gave me a blanket to wear. And for free, too. So at least one of us got a good deal that day.)

Anyway, back to the food. Right, like you want to think about food, after picturing me cavorting around the mall pantsless. And there was cavorting. Oh yes — I cavorted. I may have even skipped, just a little.

Okay, enough of that. My point was just this — if it’s no good to shop while you’re hungry, then it’s just as bad to help putting the groceries away when your tummy is grumbling. My wife came home earlier, with a dozen bags of yummies (not a euphemism, folks; move along), and it was all I could do not to eat something out of each one. Pickles, lunchmeat, juice, canned asparagus… it all looked good, baby. Separately, all at once — I didn’t care. I almost stuck my face in her yogurt, and snurfed up a big snootful.

Which actually may be a euphemism; I’m not at all sure. Suddenly, my flagpole is all atizzy, and I’m thinking seriously of getting pantsless again. And I’m still hungry. Eh. I think I’ll go cut open a pomegranate, and see what’s going on in my wife’s yummy bags. So to speak. Ahem. Anyway, happy Sunday! I’m out.

Permalink  |  3 Comments



3 Responses to “Really, It Was Supposed to Be About Groceries”

  1. Kari Holtz says:

    ROFL

    I suppose I should have stopped reading with your winkie hanging out and cavorting but I didn’t…

    I’ll never be able to eat yogurt with a straight face again.

  2. SilverBubble says:

    Only girlie-men skip. Then again, to the people who saw you skipping naked it probably made sense.

  3. Kate says:

    Thanks for the laughs. I got your page from my friend Jon’s blog radioactive egg. And I have the same problem in the grocery store, so I buy a bag of chips or something and eat them while I shop… that way I don’t get too little food and I don’t usually get too much either!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved