You know, you women have it easy.
Oh, sure, there’s that pesky menstruation thing. And childbirth — I hear that can be somewhat uncomfortable at times. I’ll admit, you certainly have your ‘inconveniences’.
But that stuff is nothing, compared to the nightmare that we guys have to go through sometimes. Like me. Like tonight, just a few minutes ago.
See, I’d been sitting — okay, slouching — on the couch for a couple of hours, watching TV and surfing around on my laptop. But just a little while ago, I decided to get up for a beer. And that’s when it happened — one of the most unsettling, uncomfortable, unnerving things that can happen to a man.
My privates had fallen asleep. The horror.
Now, for you female types — and possibly guys out there with exceptional blood circulation — who have never experienced this particular brand of ickyness… well, frankly, I’m not sure I can describe it. It probably should come as no surprise, really. Honestly, would you expect to be able to imagine what walking around with a numb penis between your legs feels like, if you’d never actually experienced it? I might as well try to tell you what having a rhinoceros horn is like, or a lemur tail.
If, on the other hand, you’ve, um, walked a mile in my… er, ‘shoes’, then you too have felt the fear and shame and tingly pins and needles that I suffered tonight. And you know what a weird feeling it was — I could still walk, of course. It wasn’t painful, exactly. But it’s not fricking natural — I waggled my leg, and wiggled my boxers… I even shook my money maker, but to no avail. There was no magic spell I could cast to wake my ‘leetle friend‘ from its slumber. All I could do is stand there, hopping from one foot to the other like a damned tool, until the blood pumped itself back into place. Humiliating, dammit.
So think about that, ladies, next time you’re inconvenienced by that pesky morning sickness thing, or you’re feeling bloated or grumpy. Just remember — no matter how bad it is, it could always be worse. Your willie could fall asleep on you. Surely, I don’t have to tell you how that trumps just about everything this side of being drawn and quartered. Surely.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go run up and down the stairs until I can feel my testicularies again. If I’m not back, please… remember me — and my tingly nethers — fondly, won’t you?Permalink | 9 Comments