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Don’t Think I Wasn’t Serious, Dammit!

In my last post, after nobody appreciated my little joke (including me, once I finally got to the damned point), I threatened graciously offered to let someone else take the reins for the rest of the day, to see what he could do with you. Well, that lucky someone is our good friend Brad from over at Kinder’s Garden, and he’ll be guest-posting for you right here in just a moment.

First, though, you should go check Brad out. He’s got a fantastic, funny — and visually pleasing — site, and is well worth your precious clickies.

(Unless you have some sexually deviant connotation for the word ‘clickies‘ that I don’t know about. And even then, Brad may be well worth your, um… ‘clickies‘. But I can’t really say, personally. If that’s your little bag o’ fun, you’re on your own to find out. And good luck with that. Really.)

Anyway, give Kinder’s Garden a try; you’ll be glad you did. And it’s probably good to read something else Brad wrote before diving into his guest post. I think he dipped into the ‘bathroom humor’ solely in my honor. I’m not much on the highfalutin’ ‘tea and crumpets’ talk around here, so Brad probably wanted to write something that he knew I could understand, and relate to, and spew OJ on my monitor about.

So, um… thanks, Brad. I think. I’m really not sure. Here, you guys be the judges, and see what you think:

OK, Charlie has graciously allowed me to submit an entry to post on his very popular blog. I wanted to come up with something that I probably wouldn’t post on my own blog. I think I was able to come up with an entry in true “Charlie style”.

I will reveal something that I don’t think anyone except my family knows about me. It is a particular item that is almost REQUIRED for me in the bathroom. I am sure your minds are racing now. What could it be? OK, I can see where your dirty little minds are going. No, it is not Kleenex! Although, I do think Kleenex is considered a bathroom item (but we like to keep boxes throughout the house). OK, are you ready for this? Oh yeah, first a disclaimer may be in order.

The following could be considered as “Too Much Information!” If you find ‘T.M.I.’ statements as offensive, please do not read the following. This means you, if you could be offended and are continuing to read, you should’ve stopped reading by now.

I have found I need to have “wipes” in the bathroom. You know those flushable, folded wipes. Haven’t you seen these? I don’t even know if this is what we use. In fact, I think I started using that particular brand, but I think the refills are “baby wipes”. So if you need me to “paint you a picture” and tell you how I use these “wipes” I will (reluctantly) tell you. I like to use these in the bathroom when I “make the major transaction”. I don’t think anyone could be confused now.

I totally hate to “make the major transaction” if I can’t follow-up the toilet paper with some “wipes”. This means I am “not feeling my freshest” when I am at work, in a public restroom, and in a friend/family members bathroom. I don’t like to be without those things! You are probably saying, “You mean you don’t “travel” with them?” NO, that is just wrong! OK, It just hasn’t come to that yet. I feel bad enough about “needing them” at home.

OK, I guess if you are still reading I have not lost you yet. So, I will reveal my preference in toilet paper. Yes, the T.M.I. continues! At one time, I wasn’t picky about toilet paper. I didn’t really care about which brand I wiped my ass with (just as long it wasn’t a Sears catalog or tree leaves). Just as long it wasn’t like sand paper, it was fine with me. I have found I like Northern. Why do you ask? I have found it doesn’t leave any lint. Yes, I said IT DOESN’T LEAVE LINT ON MY ASS! The opposite of Northern, I have found is Charmin. If you like lint, Charmin is the brand to use. At my work, they use Charmin in all the bathrooms. Yes, in addition to not having my flushable, folded wipes, I have to use toilet paper that causes lint.

Wow, do I feel better that I “testified”! I tried to create a post in the same “theme” as Charlie would have (no offense intended, Charlie. I know you are trying to do better.)

Well, there you have it, folks. I never knew the bathroom could be so complicated. (Okay, that’s not true — I’ve actually had quite a few head-scratchers in there myself. I’m rather easily confused, you see.)

But I have to say that I’ve never thought as hard as Brad has about the state of my posterior. Kudos to you, sir! We, and all of our asses, can learn a valuable lesson from your experience. Why, I think I’ll go do a bit of ‘research’ myself, right now. If I’m not back in an hour, you’ll know they had Charmin in the stall. Cheerio!

(And thanks to Brad! Go see Kinder’s Garden, now playing in a browser near you!)