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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Oh, They’re Just Friggin’ Insoles — Put the Damned Things In and Shut Up, Already!

All right, I’ve had it. I need somebody out there to help me, dammit.

I need one of you to find the person, or people, who are coming up with words to rhyme with gellin’ for those damned Dr. Scholl’s commercials.

I want you to find them, and beat them — mercilessly, mind you, with a big club, or fireplace poker, or something — and then drop them from a very great height into a big quicksand trap, or a tar pit, or a blockful of hardening cement, maybe. Something deep, and sticky, and exceptionally unpleasant. Some alligators might be nice, too. Or crocodiles. Whichever’s easier.

Seriously, though, this shit has got to stop, people. The first commercial was cute, for about the first thirty damned times I saw it. Then it was just annoying, and then maddening, and finally just stupid. Sure, I’ll give ’em props for the ‘Magellan‘ line. It took a little while before ‘Want a melon‘ made my eyelids twitch with rage.

But it’s over now, dammit. I’m calling it right now — time of death, about six seconds after I saw the new freaking commercial today, with three ‘gellin’ morons in a stock trading pit, bantering that nonsense back and forth.

Are you gellin’?

Oh, I’m gellin’! And I’m sellin’!

That guy’s not gellin’. He’s repellin’!

Look, I’ve got news for you douchebags — you can all go straight to hellin‘. Just stop this goddamned nonsense!

Seriously, for the love of kicky Doc Martens, just stop it. Stop making the commercials, and stop devoting websites to this ridiculous marketing nightmare. I’m begging you here. And the rest of you, stop encouraging these asspackets by playing their little game on your own sites, and on TV, and — most especially, please — anywhere near me, anywhere in the world that I happen to be. It’s not cute, it’s not cool, and you’re not a ‘felon’. But keep this shit up, and I will be, when I pull off your ‘gellin’ shoes and beat you to a bloody broken pulp with them!

Okay, sorry, I got a little carried away there. It’s not your fault, really, out there in the real world. Fads come along, and it’s sometimes hard to tell which ones are cool, and which are asinine, and which ones start out vaguely acceptable and then spiral into a pit of moronic craptacular nonsense.

(Yeah, um… no need to apply those same sorts of judgement to this blog, all right? Nobody likes a big ironic poopyhead, all right?)

Anyway, whaddaya say we just band together on this one, and form some sort of riotous, unruly mob and go kick the crap out of whoever’s responsible for those commercials? You with me? You in? Or are you mentally unwellin’?

(Oh fer chrissakes… they got me, too. Let’s roll some Scholl’s heads, people!)

Permalink  |  6 Comments



6 Responses to “Oh, They’re Just Friggin’ Insoles — Put the Damned Things In and Shut Up, Already!”

  1. P says:

    i’m glad it’s not just me who’s driven nuts by those commercials. after one of those i need a drink, cause my thirst needs quellin’.

    oh no! now it’s got me. look what you’ve done — i’m tellin!

  2. Jon says:

    I think I’m going nuts with those.

    Of course, only time will be tellin’

    =)

  3. Jeff A says:

    Well we can tell by this post that you are surely not gellin’

    You need to stop freaking and buy what they are sellin

    You’ll be glad you did that I am tellin

    So go out and get some and stop all that yellin

  4. Jay says:

    Where do I sign up? I’ve wanted to kick the crap out of the makers of these ads from the first time I saw ’em.

    And no, there will be no rhyming with gellin’ in this comment.

  5. zoot says:

    maybe if we could convince consumers that if they were the gellin’s their feet will be smellin’ .. then no one will buy them and they’ll go out of business which means no more commercials!

  6. zoot says:

    … now i’m having trouble spellin’!

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