Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Pluto!

It seems much of the scientific community is up in arms over Pluto’s recent reclassification as a planet non gratis. There’s a hue and cry over the dubious benefits of the exclusion, the arbitrary criteria used, and the absence of notable luminaries in the astronomy field at the deciding vote.

Boo frigging hoo.

When I failed the President’s Fitness Test in sixth grade because I couldn’t do exactly eleven chin-ups, did anybody scream ‘arbitrary’ then? Did they debate the effects it might have on my self-esteem and body image later in life, not to mention my permanent record? Was there outrage that Jack LaLanne and Andre the Giant weren’t on the ‘chin-up’ subcommittee to set the mark at ten, which would have let me pass the stupid thing?

No. So Pluto can go suck a comet tail. My heart is as cold and dead and rocky as the surface of our new non-planet. Don’t come orbiting to me with your sob story, chumley.

However.

I do feel for the children in all of this. Won’t somebody think of the children?!

“Any solar system mnemonics ending in ‘pachyderms’, ‘popsicles’, or ‘poo’ — and what good mnemonic doesn’t end in ‘poo’, I ask you? — is out the celestial window.”

For years, schoolkids everywhere could use the same ‘memory helpers’ to remember the order of the planets, using their initials. And now a group of frumpy old telescope-gropers have taken it all away. Any solar system mnemonics ending in ‘pachyderms’, ‘popsicles’, or ‘poo’ — and what good mnemonic doesn’t end in ‘poo’, I ask you? — is out the celestial window.

That’s where I come in. I’m here to help, and accordingly, I’ve come up with a few new mnemonics you can use to remember our new set of planets. Without Pluto.

No, don’t thank me. I’m just trying to give back. I’m still making up for that last stupid chin-up, back in grade school. Let’s just move on, and look at a few mnemonics:

Milli Vanilli ‘Entertainment’ Makes Joe Satriani Upchuck Noisily

Most Vampires Enjoy Moo Juice Sucking, Unlike Nosferatu

Molestation Vote Expected; Michael Jackson Shuts Up Neverland

Muddy Vixens Entertain Men Jiggling Singles Under Noses

Militant Vietnamese’s Excellent Mary Jane Soothes United Nations

More Viewers Expect ‘Malfunction’; Janet Says, ‘Uh… No’

Maxed-out Visa Explained; Mexican Jailbait Stripper Uncovered Nethers

My Valet Enjoys Masturbation; Jetta Stains Unbelievably Nasty

Nice talk, eh? That last one will keep me awake at night, but I’ll never forget Mars-Jupiter-Saturn again; I’ll tell you that.

How about a few more, for those of you who like to start from the other end. You know who you are.:

Nosy Uncle Sam Just Might Eavesdrop Voice Mails

Nonstop Unfettered Sausage Jerking Might Eradicate Vision, Man!

Newman Unhands Seinfeld’s Junior Mints; Elaine Voraciously Munches

Naughty Uncensored Sex Jokes Make Embarassed Virgins Mad

‘NattyLight’ Usually Satisfies Jesus; Moses Expects Vodka Martinis

Nubile Uninhibited Swedes Jumpstart My Engines Very Much

News: Uptight Star Jones Messily Eats Van Morrison!

Never Underestimate Strip Joint’s Most Entertaining Virtue: Mammaries

Well, that was a hoot. I never knew astronomy could be so much fun. And just wait until these ‘helpers’ start showing up in kindergarten classes worldwide. That’s plenty enough reward for me.