Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Anybody Know What ‘Pre-Ass’ Feels Like?

Folks, I feel like ass.

Actually, that’s not quite true.

(And I’m not even talking about how it’s not literally true — I think we all know by now that I’m not soft and lumpy and fuzzy down the middle.

On the other hand, when you put it that way, maybe I do feel like ass. Like, all the damned time. I’m gonna go back to not thinking about that any more. Dammit.)

Anyway, what I meant was, I don’t feel like ‘ass’ — meaning sick and stuffy and achy — yet. But I’m pretty sure I’m going to soon. I’ve got the sore throat, and the fatigue, and a little bit of the coughing — even my nose is starting to rear its ugly mucous. It would seem that whatever’s set up shop inside me looks like it’s planning on sticking around for a while. Little fuckers are giving out the new phone number, like they’re gonna winter in my chest cavity or something. Bitches!

So, I’m taking it easy — and going the liquid diet route. Lots of drinks, and chicken soup for dinner, like a good little boy.

(Oh, and a quick word to the wise out there: it’s really not a good idea — and I mean really, really not a good idea — to be watching Fear Factor while you’re eating soup for dinner.

Particularly if it’s the episode that aired tonight, where the ‘gross challenge’ involved two guys racing to be the first to eat half a blendered rat. Read that sentence again, people. Think about how much blendered rat might look like soup, with big chunks of… things that could conceivably resemble chicken. All that was missing was the hair.

And I thought I wasn’t feeling very hungry before I heated up the soup. Oh, mamma.)

All right, now I’ve gone and grossed myself out. Dammit. What the hell was I talking about, again?

Ah, bitching about being sick. Got it.

Actually, though, I think I’m done with that — nobody’s interested in the state of my sinuses, or the relative runniness of my nose, or whether I’ll soon be able to hork up bits of lung in all the colors of the rainbow.

(Well, okay, that last one might be impressive, actually, if you could do it on demand. ‘Orange! Now blue, with yellow polka dots! Huzzah!

It’s sort of like being able to burp the alphabet, only… somehow more refined. Just as disgusting, of course, but just a smidgen classier. That’s my story, dammit.)

All right, I’m getting out of here, before I make someone else sick with this nonsense. I’m not really on my game tonight, and I think it’s time to call it a night, crawl under the covers, and re-whine about all this shit to my wife. Yeah, she doesn’t wanna hear it either, but she’s got no choice — ‘for better or worse‘, the man said. ‘Richer or poorer, or fevered and snotty‘. Or something like that — I was kinda drunk at the time, so I might be paraphrasing some of that last bit. She’s stuck with me; that seems to be the take-home message. I may have it tattooed on my ass to remind her.

And now we’ve come full *ahem* ‘circle’ — we started with ass, and we’re ending with ass. Asses to asses, and dust to dust, folks. I’ll catch you manana. Later.

Permalink  |  3 Comments



3 Responses to “Anybody Know What ‘Pre-Ass’ Feels Like?”

  1. Christiane says:

    Actually, I think the best part was calling it the Rat-o-matic. That was quite possibly the most horrific thing I’ve seen in a long time. That, and seeing the first girl spit it out saying she was chewing on a clump of hair.

    Anyway, feel better! =)

  2. Sychotic1 says:

    they should change the name from “Fear Factor” to “Grossout Factor”. I mean who is afraid to eat blendered rat? It isn’t fear to not want to eat blended roadkill is it?

  3. Rowan says:

    Wonder if it tasted like chicken?

    Hope ya feel better… in the meantime, keep writing!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved