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Anatomy of a Monday

Take me out to the blog game; take me out with the clowns!

Today was Monday. A dingy, stinkin’ Monday. And I don’t need a damned calendar to tell me that, either. Here are a few lowlights of my day today, with some relevant details and a Miserable Monday Quotient rating for each event. The MMQ scale is from 1 to 10, with 10 being the quintessential, what-the-hell-did-I-ever-do-to-you, really-getting-pissed-on Monday doozie. Think ‘flat tire in a hurricane’, or ‘getting caught on camera with your pants down in the copy room’, or ‘watching the Maury Povich show’. You know, the really, truly horrifying stuff like that.

Anyway, here’s what my day was like today. I can only hope yours was better.

09:04am: Waking Up

Ambient temperature: about 148 degrees Fahrenheit.

Approximate number of aching body parts: 8, including a bruised right cheek from a hard-hit bad-hopping softball the day before.

First waking sensation: Faint skunk aroma, left over from dog’s ‘Dances With Polecats’ adventure over the weekend.

Bladder status: 85% full, and rising.

Number of times saying ‘Ow’ or ‘Dammit’ from bedroom to bathroom: 11, including twice when stubbing toe against fan in bathroom doorway, where it was busily blowing skunk funk out of the room.

Effectiveness of fan in removing skunky putrescence: around 12%.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 6.8

09:35am: Breakfast

Breakfast components: one untoasted strawberry-flavored frosted Pop-Tart. One small glass of milk.

Number of aching body parts: 9; the original 8 plus the now-stubbed toe.

Attire: Next-to-last pair of clean boxers, semi-clean T shirt.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 3.9 (though the ‘Lonely Pathetic Bachelor Meal Score’ is off the chart…)

09:51am: Shower Time

Shower location: still-skunky bathroom.

Added olfactory bonus: vaguely skunky dog lying on bath mat, floating occasional air biscuits over the shower curtain and into my airspace.

Number of times bruised eye checked in mirror to see if it was blackened enough to warrant a good fighting story: 7.

Chance that anyone would believe I was in a fight and only got a black eye: 3%.

Number of itchy mosquito bites irritated in shower: 4.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 4.3

11:18am: Skunk, Revisited

Length of trip to dog grooming / boarding center: 19 minutes.

Amount of time spent negotiating with store employee who would actually wash dog in de-skunking shampoo: 12 minutes.

Person who ended up washing dog, contrary to personal preference: Me.

Amount of time spent rubbing shampoo onto dog’s head: 8 minutes.

Amount of time spent letting shampoo soak on dog’s head: 10 minutes.

Number of dirty looks from dog during process: 381.

Amount of skunk smell left on dog after process: approximately 82%.

Dog’s look when I left her at ‘day care’ for the day after such vile mistreatment: utter joy.

Length of trip from grooming center to home: 34 minutes.

Percentage of traffic lights that were red on trip home: Just over 110% (I got one green, but sat at a couple of others through two cycles trying to make left turns).

Miserable Monday Quotient: 7.6 for me; 9.2 for the dog)

12:37pm: Lunch

Lunch components: two cold ham and cheese sandwiches with mustard, potato chips, large glass of lemonade.

Lunchtime entertainment: SportsCenter rerun.

Number of mustard stains smooshed onto shirt: 1.

Amount of salt from potato chips wiped into shirt around stain: about 300 grams, give or take a grain or two.

Volume of water rubbed into shirt in an attempt to remove salty mustard stain: approximately a gallon.

Amount of mustard left on shirt: somewhere around 65%.

Approximate time needed for shirt to dry: 2.5 hours.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 6.6

2:15pm: Checking Email

Number of ‘Site cannot be found’ browser messages waiting on my computer: 1

Success rate of reasonable-sounding solutions to reconnect to network: 0%.

Number of applications closed to prepare for computer reboot: 13.

Network status after reboot: just damned peachy.

Reason why reboot should have been necessary: indeterminate.

Alternate theory for reboot need: Bill Gates is a big fat weenie.

Total time elapsed: 13 minutes.

Number of email messages waiting after reboot: 0.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 8.2

4:12pm: Afternoon Entertainment

Number of minutes missed of ‘Princess Bride’ before accidently channel-surfing to it: 12.

Number of minutes left in movie: about 90.

Approximate movie end time: 6:00pm, or the exact time that I needed to leave to retrieve the dog.

Number of minutes watched before satellite station broke up because of impending huge rainstorm: 6.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 7.8

6:03pm: Bringing Home the Dog

Time that enormous, pelting rainstorm started: 6:02pm.

Time spent on front porch, waiting for rain to ease: 8 minutes.

Approximate relative strength of rain after waiting period: 250% peltier.

Volume of rain soaked into clothes while running from porch down front stairs and into car: about 38 gallons.

Approximate time for shirt to dry: N/A. I’ll let you know if it ever happens.

Amount of time rain continued after I’d reached the car: approximately 2 minutes.

Conditions in car: around 130 degrees Fahrenheit, with 99% humidity.

Air conditioner level used during ride to groomers: highest.

Temperature in car 10 minutes into drive: 38 degrees Fahrenheit.

Chance that I’ll catch pneumonia in next 48 hours: 82%.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 9.6

7:46pm: The Dirty Cleaners

Number of minutes alloted for round trip to dog groomers, in order to return in time for 7:00pm appointment at home: 57 minutes.

Actual time elapsed while collecting dog: 44 minutes.

Amount of postponement asked for by furniture cleaners during phone conversation at 6:58pm: 30 minutes.

Actual postponement time until cleaner’s arrival: 46 minutes.

Number of couches cleaned: 0.

Reason for failure to clean couches: Wife must be home to see cleaner demonstration, in order to receive free couch cleaning.

Approximate arrival time of wife to house: 9:30pm.

Amount of time cleaner spent in house: 3 minutes.

Amount of water I really needed to get drenched with in order to keep useless appointment: not one damned ounce.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 8.4

9:31pm: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Number of pizzas arriving at door: 1.

Number of wives returning home: 1.

Number of preseason NFL football games found on TV: 1.

Number of things suddenly right in the world: All.

Miserable Monday Quotient: 0.00

So, that’s it, folks. Sometimes Mondays last just a few minutes, and sometimes they can last a week or more. This time, my Monday was exactly twelve hours and twenty-seven minutes long. I don’t give a damn what my clock says. This Monday is over. Tuesday’s already in full swing. So that’s it. Nothing else to see here until tomorrow. I just pray it’s not Monday all over again. I think I’ve had my fill for a while.