Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Hey, Who Dropped a Monday in Front of My Weekend?

You ever have one of those mornings, when you’re just sort of sleepwalking through your routine? You shower, and dress, and shave whatever it is that you shave, and brush the things that you usually brush, but you’re not really thinking about any of it. Does that happen to you, too?

So, then, do you ever forget where you’re at in the process? I do that a lot. Usually, I find myself standing in the shower, with a wet head, trying to figure out whether I’ve actually washed my hair yet, or just soaked my head. It’s kind of embarrassing — but I guess on the long, sordid list of assheaded crap that I do, it’s pretty close to the bottom. Nobody’s around to see it, and the solution is pretty damned easy — I can just keep washing my hair, over and over, until I remember. I go through a lot of shampoo bottles that way, but my follicles are always nice and shiny.

Of course, that’s not the worst that can happen. I’ve also lost track of whether I’ve shaved or not. Again, that’s pretty easy to double-check, but if I forget to do that, too, then I have to spend the day all scruffy. And itchy. And slightly more hoboish than usual.

The worst is when I forget whether I’ve put deodorant on, though. Again, there’s nobody around to call me on it, and point and jeer, but that is one time where it’s no picnic to check your work, especially if you haven’t antiperspirantized yourself already. There’s nothing quite like a snootful of armpit funk first thing in the morning to make you want to crawl back under the covers and start over again in a couple of hours.

It wasn’t quite that bad today. I made it through most of the pitfalls — today, I only walked downstairs without my pants on.

(Oh, I had boxers on, dammit — I wasn’t ‘swinging in the breeze’ or anything. I just forgot to slip on a pair of overpants, is all.)

Luckily, I managed to figure out why I felt so drafty before leaving the house, and scampered back upstairs for a fitting. So, it could have been worse. Like the time I forgot to dry off before getting dressed, or when I made it all the way to work without a shirt on. The tan was great, but there were… questions. Embarrassing questions. And pictures. I didn’t need that, really.

Anyway, I guess I’m all set to go today — I’ve washed, brushed, shaved, and now I’m even wearing pants. All I’ve gotta do is remember my keys, and I’m all set to go. Wish me luck, folks. It’s been one of those mornings. I give me about a fifty-fifty shot. Meh.