Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Looks Like Somebody Out There Is ‘Beer Googling’ Again

Out of the frying pan, and into the blog.

I hate to devote a post entirely to searches that have led people to this site.

But frankly, I hated to do it when I wrote this post, too, and it didn’t stop me then. What in our history together would make you think I’ve suddenly sprouted a conscience?

So, away we go. Before I get to the list of recent odd, frightening, and downright freaky searches that have accidentally funneled various perverts and morons to my door, I want to mention one set of search terms that’s particularly vexing.

“What in our history together would make you think I’ve suddenly sprouted a conscience?”

At approximately a quarter after two this afternoon, someone clicked through to my site. Into the archives, and specifically to this page. The search that led him or her to me?

• random asanine idiocy

Now, I ask you this: should I be offended somehow that this is how people find my site? Or surprised in the slightest that my blog was the only site returned by Google for this search?

(I tried it myself.)

Or should I be pleased to have a new reader, and one who spent several minutes on the site, (presumably) merrily reading along? Or disappointed that this person apparently found the ‘random asanine idiocy’ he or she was looking for, and that my writing was it? Or finally, should I just be goddamned embarrassed, because — at least once — I managed to misspell ‘asinine’?

Really, when I say I have mixed feelings about this, I’m not yankin’ your chain. I have no earthly idea what to think or feel right now. Color me nonplussed.

Okay. Now, on to the rest of the goodies — as before, I’ll post the search terms, and then do the very bestest I can to help out whoever used them to get here. You know, in case they come back. I’m all about the help. So here we go:

• tasticles — It amazes me that there are only about a dozen Google hits for this. Oh, and I’m number six. Do I kick ass or what?
• jiggly jubblies — Man, you have no idea. If I had those lyin’ around, I wouldn’t have time to blog. Hell, I’d probably give up sleeping.
• meanings for a itchy bottom — Well, shit, I don’t know. You been stuffin’ Mexican jumping beans up there again?
• steroid body disfigurement pics — So, do you mean bodies disfigured because of the effects of steroids? Or just poked and scarred from a bunch of steroid needles? You know, so if I run into some piccys, I’ll know what to save for you.
• mary kate and ashley olsen nip slip pics — Dude, that’s sick! That’s just perver — what? They’re how old now? Oh. Um, hey, dude. If you have any luck with that search, gimme a call, okay? Thanks.
• how are shih zu nose suppose to look — Dude, what the fuck did you do to your dog’s nose to mess it up so badly that you forget how it’s supposed to look? Damn, dude. Oh, and learn to spell.
• testicle self mutilation — Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Okay, I’m sorry. I thought that said — Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek! Eeeeeeek!
• gary busey mug shot pic — Hey, I think I can help this guy. I do have an old pic of Gary, and he’s holding a coffee mug. Hooray! Oh, but be warned. He’s naked, and I think he’s peeing into the mug. Man, you do not want to give that guy tequila.
• tickled superheroine between her legs — Wait, I don’t get it. Is she tickled between her legs, or would I be tickled if I were between her legs? You’re gonna have to be more specific. But if it’s the Wonder Twin chick we’re talkin’ about, I can answer the second question. She’s a hottie.
• “yes i am” krzyzewski — Um, no, I’m not. Obviously. Oh, and gesundheit!
• Randy Moss is an angry fella — Yes, yes he is. So what’s your question, there, skippy?
• current bathing habits — Um, mine? Well, I shower once a day, whether I need it or not. Plus, once a month, I hook the vacuum cleaner up to various orifices for that ‘deep down clean inside’ feeling. Um, oops. Did I share too much again?
• needledick AND slang — As opposed to the clinical use of the term, of course. ‘I’m sorry, Mrs. Watson, but your husband is in pretty bad shape. He’s developed a terminal case of needledick. I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do. I’m so sorry.‘

Well, that takes care of the bulk of ’em, anyway. There’s still a few people lookin’ for naked pics of that Pam Anderson cartoon, but those requests have slowed to a moderate gush. As for the rest of you Googlers out there, I hope this has helped. Now when you try your search again, you’ll at least get some advice. Not the ‘disfigurement pics‘ or ‘olsen nip slip pics‘ you were looking for, but at least it’s something.

And if you’re looking for more than that, I’m afraid you’re out of luck. I seriously doubt I’ll post any ‘Gary Busey mug shot‘ photos, or info that’s going to help you with your ‘itchy bottom‘ or ‘shih zu (sic) nose‘. You’ll just have to look elsewhere. And I’m damned sure not gonna help you with your ‘testicle self mutilation‘. Fuckin’ a, man. What the hell have you been smoking?