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Bring Me Your Tired, Your Horny, Your Googling Masses

It’s been a while since I copped out on writing anything original and posted about the Google (and Yahoo) searches that bring people to this page. But that’s what weekends are for, right?

Right?

Well, it is now, dammit. Don’t be a smartass. Let’s just do this thing:

From Tustin, CA. we get: list of wedgie techniques.

Well, fine. Here you go:

1) “Grip it and rip it.”

The. End. Silly left-coasters.

Next, it’s a music fan in West Bloomfield, MI searching for puffy nipples movies.

I’m with you, man. I dig that phat Puffy Nipples. I wanna see him in Hollywood, too. Dude can lay down a beat, yo.

Although, to be honest, I’m a bigger fan of DJ Areola. That’s just me. Word.

Then there’s the intrepid soul from Worcester, PA looking for info on Rachel Ray nipples.

Sorry, pal. I haven’t seen her show in a while, so I’m not sure how she cooks nipples. Though if I had to guess, I’d probably braise them. Just be sure to slather them in ‘EVOO’ first. Rachel would have wanted it that way.

A reader from Nashville, TN came searching for stripper convention.

Well, I can tell you a few stripper conventions, actually.

1. Never date the customers.

2. Bra comes off first, then G-string.

3. No granny perfume.

4. ‘No touching’ means NO TOUCHING.

5. Never buy your own drinks.

Hope this helps — happy clubbing, Nashville!

A guy (I’m assuming) in Southfield, MI asks Yahoo (and then me): who’s got the biggest boobs?

I’m afraid I don’t know, sir. Before the advent of implants, it may have been Dolly Parton. Or my aunt Frances. That woman could slap you on the head from across the room without lifting a finger. True story.

Now, who knows? They just keep getting bigger as the ‘guns race’ escalates. But I’ll tell you this — if the Guinness Book decides to find out, and needs a judge, I’ll do it. You know, in honor of Aunt Frances. God rest her cans.

Then there’s the rather verbose individual from Dayton, OH who asks Yahoo: where would i find t-shirts with sayings written on them?

I don’t think you’ve quite got the hang of this ‘search engine’ dealie yet, there, Dayton. You’re not ordering at the clown’s mouth at McDonalds here, and Alex Trebek isn’t making you answer in the form of a question.

Take it to Jeeves, numbnuts.

Speaking of questions, here’s one from a user in Vienna, VA posed to Ask.com: how many syllables are in squirrel?

Um…

But… I mean, how many could you possibly…

Like, ‘SKA-woo-RU-ill‘? I don’t think I get it.

What the hell are they putting in the water down there in Virginia, anyway?

Finally, we’ve got a queryer from Birmingham in the UK, delievered here via Google when searching for pimped panda.

Sorry. This really isn’t that kind of site. There are very few animals around here, and almost none of them are available for sexy parties. The dog cleans up nice, but she won’t put out. Poochtease.

Anyway, pandas are awfully hard to get your hands on, I would think. Maybe you should shoot for a nice squa-oo-ri-el, instead. I think I know a guy down in Virginia who can set you up.