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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Why Can’t I Squee You?

(Secondhand SCIENCE, baby — catch the fever!

Well, don’t actually catch a fever. That would be uncomfortable. But swing over and see this week’s science-down, all about viroids. Which could give you a fever — but probably only if you’re a potato. Check it out.)

Since it’s not remotely what I’m supposed to be working on right now, this is clearly the only project I’m able to focus on: a modernized parody version of this 35-year-old song by the Cure:

I’d be a great poster child for Ritalin — if I were still a child, and if I ever looked good on a poster. Anyway, Cure this, if you can:

BOYS DON’T SQUEE

I would say, “my bad, wow”
If I sensed that you would stay with me.
But I see you mad now;
You are all scrunched up,
Like, O-M-G.

I try to say, “whatevs, girl”,
Don’t want to call you a B.
How can I say, “whatevs, girl”
When you keep callin’ me “twee”?
‘Cause boys don’t squee.
Boys don’t squee.

Yeah, I broke down in your crib
When you brought out your
Bichon frise.
He was so cute in his bib,
I couldn’t hold my gleeful squees.

So now your friends laugh about it,
Throwing shade till my ears bleed.
Even you laugh about it,
That noise I totes do not need.
‘Cause boys don’t squee.
Boys don’t squee.

I would tell you that I’ll sack up;
Be the man that you prefer.
But my voice will climb back up
Next time I peep your ball of fur.

I get excited,
not like a BOSS;
If I could fight it,
Everything would be awesomesauce.

Now I don’t know what it would take
For us to repair our “we”.
How can I keep from breaking?
You’re twice as manly as me.
‘Cause boys don’t squee.

Boys don’t squee.
Boys. Don’t. Squee.

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HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

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Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
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