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Does This Qualify as ‘Bettering Myself’?

So, I’ve been thinking lately.

(Yeah, I hear you — ‘It’s about damned time‘. Well, nyah, nyah, and nyaaaaah, there, nipplechest. You ain’t funny.)

Anyway, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve decided that it’s not going to be enough to simply invent a few new euphemisms this year.

(Not that I’m not going to do that, too — I made a resolution, dammit, and I’m sticking to it. Want proof? How about these:

‘sittin’ pretty on the Slip ‘n’ Slide‘

‘making the good folks at Kleenex just a little bit richer‘

‘slapping chickens in a wind tunnel‘

Or my new favorite:

‘gumming Grandma’s applesauce‘

Heh. Aw, yeah, man. That’s the shit. That’ll last me for a while.)

Anyway, those sorts of things are nice. And disturbing. And probably illegal in some midwestern states. But I think I can do more. I’ll not rest on my perverted laurels, folks, comfy though they be. Seriously, I’ve got some kick-ass laurels. They’re padded, even.

The point is, I’ve decided to augment my euphemistic efforts with a sexy sprinkling of other terminalia. Not dirty words, mind you, but words that should be dirty, but aren’t. Like… oh, I don’t know, gherkin. Or penal. Or Santorum.

(Oh, wait, can’t use that one. That’s already dirty, remember? Moving on.)

So, just in case you want to play along at home — and why the hell wouldn’t you, right? — I thought I’d leave you with a short list of the oughta-be-dirty words that I’m going to be working into conversations in the coming months. Feel free to add your own — there’s enough pseudo-smut to go around.

Charlie’s ‘Get Your Gherkin On’ Vocabulary List:

alveola

Bjork

borscht

bushwhack

cockles

dongle

Fiddle Faddle

fluffernutters

frappe

gherkin

Grinchy

ouzo

Parcheesi

pestle

puffin

pussywillows

scrunchie

splurge

wrangler

whiskered

All right, that’s a good start. Now I’m off to practice on my wife. Maybe if I get all grinchy with her dongle, she’ll bushwhack my fluffernutters. Whee!