I think we need a new word.
Sure, there are already a lot of words in the English language. Take ‘umbilical’, for instance. Or ‘pepperpot’; that’s a good one, too. I’m also a big fan of ‘comely’, ‘lichen’, and ‘onomatopoetic’.
(Even though it’s not. You’d think, of all the stupid words in the dictionary to be onomatopoetic, that ‘onomatopoetic‘ would be one of them. Really, doesn’t it just make sense?
Actually, I’d like to bitch about this some more, but I’m really tired of typing onomatopoetic over and over. Try it sometime. I’m beat.)
So, the thing is this — all those words I’ve mentioned, plus all the others that I didn’t (since there’s only so much space available here), don’t really do the thing that I want this new word to do. And that’s why we need the new word. There’s a ‘word gap’ here. A semantic void. A lexical lacuna, a phraseological pockmark, a communicative chasm. A vocabularial vacuity, even.
(Yeah, I decided to tiptoe through the thesaurus while I was searching for the word that turned out not to be there. This is what qualifies as entertainment for me on a snowy Saturday night. Weep for me, dear readers. Weep for me.)
Anyway, here’s why we need a new word — it’s come to my attention that there’s no ‘independent’ word that means ‘not funny‘. Sure, there’s ‘unfunny’, and you can always say ‘not funny’, but these are just derivatives of ‘funny’, itself. Doesn’t a concept so important and honorable as ‘funny‘ (or, if you prefer: humorous, witty, clever, comical, entertaining, riotous, whimsical, or… oh, fer chrissakes, just shoot me now!) deserve its own antonym? Can’t we spare just one more word for a good cause?
Think about it — all the other common, useful adjectives have their own opposites. If you’re not ‘well’, then you don’t have to be ‘unwell’ — though you can be, if you want. But you can also be ‘sick’, or ‘ill’, or ‘insane in the membrane’. And if you’re not ‘hot’? Well, there’s always ‘cold’, or ‘ugly’, or, if you frequent a certain web site, simply ‘not’.
(And in some cases, ‘NOT!’ Or, ‘Yikes!’ Or even, ‘Hey, isn’t that Boy George?‘)
But all ‘funny’ gets is versions of itself. Until now, that is. I, for one, am ready to stand up for my good friend ‘funny’ and lobby for a new word to mean… well, not it, basically. And I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve come up with a strategy, and some theory, and I’ve even got a word to suggest. That’s right, I’m bringing up a problem, and then I’m fixing it. I’m not some Monday-morning quarterback, or backseat driver, or grimy politician, here. No, sir. I’m here to help. So help me help you, and hop on board the bandwagon. I’ve got a new word, and I’m determined to get it into the dictionary.
And that word… is ‘boobered‘.
Yes, boobered. Now, hear me out, here. See, I figure that the word that’s gonna mean ‘not funny’ should, itself, sound a bit funny. That way, the unfunniness of whatever you’re describing (soon to be known as its ‘booberhood‘) becomes obvious. If the thing’s not even as funny as saying ‘boobered‘, then it really is boobered.
(See, see? A word that tests its own meaning. How fucking hard was that? I’ve only come up with one word, and it does double-duty.
Screw ‘onomatopoetic’ — lazy stupid word, anyway. It’s just not trying, man. Half-assed bastard.)
Anyway, get on board the boobered train, people. Go forth and spread the boobered word — it’s not hard or anything. All you have to do is sprinkle it into everyday conversation, and soon enough, it’ll stick. And you’ll have plenty of chances to whip it out and use it.
(But not around here, dude. Be snarky if you must, but don’t use my own word on me, man. Have a damned heart.)
Look, I’ll get things started, just to give you an example of how it works. Saturday Night Live just came on. And if I know SNL, then before long, some crap-ass skit will come on — a train wreck of a bad idea, where the lame host plays a prominent role and sleepwalks through the lines.
(I swear, sometimes you can even see the cast members rolling their eyes onstage. It’s just a matter of time before Tina Fey or someone just walks off the set, right into the parking lot, and never comes back. But I digress.)
Anyway, when the inevitable happens, and SNL sucks ass, I’m just gonna turn to my wife and say:
‘Damn, I could do better than this. This shit is so boobered!’
To which, she’ll no doubt reply (as usual):
‘What the hell are you talking about?’
And then I’ll explain it to her, and we’ll be off and running. ‘Boobered‘ will be born, and will start its slow seeeep into the collective consciousness. And you can say you were in on the ground floor, that you ‘knew boobered way back when’. So get out there now, and call boobered like you see it. Go tell boobered from the mountain. Be the boobered police, start a boobered neighborhood watch, or start the League to Stamp Out Boobriety. Whatever. Just do your part, in your own unique way. Now that we have a name for it, we can start reducing the booberhood all around us. And one day — one magical day — we’ll have gotten rid of it completely, and the world will be free of booberedness for good.
And really, isn’t that worth it? Won’t you join the boobered crusade with me? Who’s with me?
*** UPDATE: Hey, you! Jeff‘s on board with this — are you? Get crackin’ out there!
*** UPDATE AGAIN: Look! Jon is in the act, too! What are you waiting for, people?Permalink | 7 Comments