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An Ass By Any Other Name…

Some people judge others by how much money they make, or what car they drive. Others pigeonhole folks based on the color of their skin, or the country they’re from, or the clothes that they wear.

Well, not me. I say that’s foolish. And it’s simply wrong-headed to mentally label other people based on such trivial differences.

Instead, I’ve got a much better way to sort people out. I categorize people based on which words for ‘ass’ they’re willing to tolerate and use. It makes about as much damned sense as the other ways above, and — trust me — it’s far more entertaining. Let’s have a look at the buckets people can fall into, shall we?

1. The Mary Poppins type:

These people wouldn’t swear or curse if you snuck up behind them and yanked the sticks out of their asses. They’re generally uptight, repressed, and wildly uncomfortable in their own skins. And they’ll go to great lengths — great, ridiculous, annoying lengths — to avoid saying anything that might be embarrassing to themselves. Or others. Or any children that might be listening. Or Mother Theresa. Needless to say, I don’t understand these people at all. Many of them are probably Amish.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘backside’, ‘tuckus’, ‘hindcheeks’, ‘sitter’, ‘fanny’, ‘posterior’

2. The Dean Wormer type:

This is the no-nonsense group — they’re only going to talk about asses when there’s a damned good reason, and there’s not going to be any fooling around. Just like the original ‘Dean Wormer’, they’re not into bathroom humor, lowbrow shenanigans, or any sort of artsy-farting around. And they’re the type of people who would actually use the phrase ‘artsy-farting around’. These people don’t like me. Most of them just shake their heads sadly at me now.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘butt’, ‘rear end’, ‘ass’ (only when provoked), ‘rump’, ‘seat’

3. The Pauly Shore type:

These people are creative with their ass nomenclature, but not particuarly lewd or vulgar. Like the ‘Weasel’ himself, they’ll be silly, childish, and goofy with their ass talk, but you’ll rarely hear any actual profanities. I get along just fine with these people. Except when I want to punch them.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘gluteals’, ‘booty’, ‘bum’, ‘pants-holder’, ‘groove thang’, ‘popo’, ‘heinie’

4. The Richard Pryor type:

This group can be — hell, is — pretty gross. But it’s a sort of matter-of-fact, ‘dirty because that’s the way I am’ sort of gross. They’re not trying to be rude, exactly — they’re just talking, and whatever comes out, comes out. They lay their ass words down, and move on, leaving Mary Poppinses aghast and drill sergeants disgusted. These are my peeps.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘ass’, ‘pooper’, ‘asscheeks’, ‘sphincter’, ‘gas tank’

5. The Dice Clay type:

These people sling filthy banter, just for the sake of flinging it around. They’re lewd, foul, disgusting, and vulgar. And lots of fun to party with. Occasionally, something they say will make you spew your drink through your nose. Some of these people are my heroes. Others should be locked in a cage. Often, it’s hard to tell the two apart.

Common ‘ass’ terms for this group: ‘crapcatcher’, ‘shitshooter’, ‘turdlurcher’, ‘shitcutter’, ‘Hersheyville’

(And yeah… given that I just made up a couple of those under #5, I guess I end up in that neighborhood sometimes, myself. You caught me. Ya turdlurcher, ya.)

Anyway, try it out sometime. Listen carefully, to see how people refer to their posteriors. Or just blurt out ‘Nice pooper!‘ and see how they react. It may not be the most useful way to classify people, but it sure is a helluva lot of fun. And I’m not just blowing smoke up your shitshearer, either.