Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Tail End of the Tailgate

(What’s the time? It’s time to get science!

That’s Secondhand SCIENCE, and this week’s topic, wild type. Go see, and get wiiiiiild.

Also! Come out on Saturday to see the Seven Deadly Sins play festival. I’ll be acting foolish in a play Jenn Dlugos and I wrote. It’s got zombies. And Twinkies. You’ll dig it.)

There’s a certain point at which you’re simply not helping.

For me, that point is, like, ninety percent of my life — which includes this coming Sunday.

For the first time in several years, a few friends and I will be able to get together for a football game. Back when this was a more regular “thing” among this group, we’d often tailgate before the game. So we decided to tailgate on Sunday — for “old times’ sake”.

“Tailgating in that weather just looks like a bunch of Jack Nicholsons from the end of The Shining sitting around frowning at each other.”

(A couple of us still go to games regularly. But we don’t tailgate any more. On non-special nostalgic occasions, it’s rarely worth the hassle.

Plus, this is New England, so half the games are played in four feet of snow and six-degree weather. Tailgating in that weather just looks like a bunch of Jack Nicholsons from the end of The Shining sitting around frowning at each other. Kinda creepy.)

There are four of us, and we’re organizing via email. The first three hours of which I missed — due to work meetings or sleeping or possibly both at once — and wherein it was established that:

One guy volunteered to bring a grill and all the plates and paper towels.

Another guy said he’d hit up his favorite butcher shop for several kinds of meats.

And the third guy offered to bring a cooler, beer and chips.

I got back to my email, ran down the list and said I’d be happy to chip in for… well, that’s just it. What the hell else is there? It was then I knew that I wasn’t going to be helping. Not really.

Oh, sure, I’ll still contribute. But it’s a very fine line I’m walking here. There are four of us guys, and none in prime tailgating shape — meaning we don’t want fancy, we’re not grilling gourmet and our livers can only take so much, cap’n. That limits the options.

Plus, I have to be careful here. Sure, I could play technicalities, but that doesn’t score any points. If I show up with six boxes of plastic silverware and say, “Hey, nobody called forks!“, it’s not going to go over well.

Anyway, who uses forks for a tailgate? Maybe to crack open a beer, if you forgot an opener. Otherwise, leave that shit at home. We eat meat with our hands, drink beer from the can and if there’s potato salad, we stare at it with mild disgust and derision.

Or we eat it with our hands, too. Which is not a rule I’d normally admit, but it’s quite possible I end up taking potato salad to this shindig. Cut me some slack, tatercakes.

I can bring more beer. I mean, I’m going to bring more beer, because nobody’s ever going to argue with that. But I’m not sure it’s “helping”, exactly. It’ll add some variety, but I suspect if we have more than a half-case in total, somebody’s coming home with leftovers. It’s a work day on Monday, after all. And some of those guys have kids to tuck in Sunday night.

(Also, there’s a place with fantastic margaritas on the way home. I’m just saying. Ole.)

That leaves my practical contribution in serious jeopardy. I’m not taking silverware. We don’t tailgate sweets. I’m trying not to take potato salad… but I’m not ruling it out, either. Hamburger buns? Wet naps? Chip clips, in case we can’t finish the Doritos?

None of these are “helping”. At this rate, they’ll make me sit with the grill until the coals die down. Maybe somewhere in the middle of the second half. It’ll be lonely out there in the parking lot, with everyone inside enjoying the game — but I’ll understand. I responded late. There’s nothing good left to bring. And I’m not helping.

Oh, well. At least I’ll have plenty of potato salad.

Permalink  |  1 Comment



One Response to “The Tail End of the Tailgate”

  1. Ema says:

    Oh men, you’re doing a lot of stuff, bring it on. I am so sad I can’t be there to laugh with you or at you, who cares.
    Missing funny people around

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved