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Oh, I’ve Got Your ‘Snickers’ Right Here, Pally

People, people, people… will no one stop the madness, here? Does no one see what’s happening? Who among us will stand up and say, ‘Enough is enough, already‘?

Nobody? Oh, come on, ya bunch of punks. Nothing? Awright, fine. I’ll do it. Here goes. Ahem.

So, here’s the thing. I’m talking to the food manufacturers here. See, I think we’ve given you shysters a pass for long enough. First, the brewery faction got together and tried to convince us that ‘low-carb beer’ would be a good thing. Or a tasty thing. Or even a possible thing. And it’s just not — it’s either drinkable beer, chock full of carbos, or it’s watery crap. There’s no middle ground. You know this, and we know this; beer is ninety percent carbohydrates to begin with; you take those away, and you’ve got yeast-infected water. Period. We’re on to you, beermeister brats.

And yet, we said nothing. We let it go. Every industry gets one blatant lie. We’re reasonable people. But you just couldn’t leave it at that, could you, food moguls?

No. No, you couldn’t. Next, you beat us over the head with ‘low-fat sweets’. Nice. Cookies and brownies and Pop-frigging-Tarts that won’t go to your thighs? *pffffttttppptttt* Right. We all know you’re just using some loophole in the rules to only count the sugar in the frosting, and the fat in the crusts, and putting the rest of the bad news in the fine print. Or you just throw up your hands and say they’re ‘40% less artery-clogging than before‘! Typical flim-flam scam. Assbags.

But still, we consumers stayed silent, and went along with your shenanigans. Hey, anything that lets us cram our gobs full of Oreos and shrug it off deserves a chance. We’re not made of stone, you know.

(Actually, at this point, we’re made of malted barley and refined sugar, more or less. You are what you stuff in your gullet, right?)

So, at this point, a reasonable consumer industry would have quit while it was ahead. But you just couldn’t get enough. You were heady with the intoxicating thrill of your successes. Or you were on a sugar high, like the rest of us; anyway, somehow, you got it in your head that you could foist whatever unlikely comestible you liked upon us. All the diet sodas, and near-beers, and ‘Kitchen-Fried Chicken’, or ‘Kentucky Fried Kitchens’, or whatever the hell that crispy crap is… none of it was good enough.

You just had to go for the big one. You couldn’t stand it that you were losing out to all those niche companies in the real health food market. All those protein shakes and power drinks and herbal potions — it drove you nuts that you weren’t getting a piece of that action. Not just nuts — peanuts, to be precise.

And so, you sent in one of your big guns. And now, you’ve unleashed one of the unlikeliest products to ever hit the shelves — a ‘health bar’ brought to you by the friendly fat-peddlers at Snickers. Snickers! Well, I for one ‘snicker’ at this latest affront to our collective sanity and the sanctity of the food pyramid. I snicker, and I say, finally — ‘Enough‘.

Seriously, there’s healthy food, and there’s unhealthy food. And we’re Americans — there are millions upon millions of us, and an awful lot of us aren’t very bright. So there’s plenty of market to go around; don’t try to muddy the waters by pretending potato chips are ‘heart-smart’, or that buttered-up cinnamon buns are ‘part of a balanced breakfast’. You’ll get your billions of bucks either way; in the meantime, just tell it like it is, would you? Tell it to us straight, dammit. Ya bunch of freaks.

Okay, that’s enough for now — I’m hoping off my soapbox and into a frosty, delicious, carb-littered, bad-for-me beer. It’s not healthy, but right now, I don’t give a damn. See? See how that works? Back me up here, people — let’s nip this shit in the bud before we see ‘heart-healthy’ cotton candy or ‘cholesterol-busting’ chocolate bars. Come on. Isn’t life complicated enough as it is?