Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Now We’re Cooking with Obvious!

I fear that cookbooks may be getting too specialized.

This is frankly not something I thought I’d ever need to form an opinion about. Cookbooks got along just swimmingly without my input for what, three or four hundred years? They did their thing, I stayed busy being completely disinterested in cooking or reading about cooking — or being not born yet, for a lot of those years — and everyone was satisfied.

Then cookbooks went and cocked things up — with an apron-clad assist from my wife.

Here’s the thing. The only cookbooks I ever knew were the ones my mother owned when I was growing up, back in olden times. Huge foreboding tomes, these books covered everything a budding chef of the era would ever need to know — how to hunt and gather, which cuts of brontosaurus are best, whether this newfangled ‘fire’ thing would ever catch on in the kitchen. Just for instance.

Fast-forward — a lot — to this weekend, and the new cookbook my wife brought home. It’s called, simply:

Macaroni & Cheese

This I don’t get. First of all, I don’t see how mac and cheese requires a cookbook in the first place. This is one of the many — read: three — dishes in my personal culinary arsenal, so I feel qualified to relay the sum total of instructions needed to prepare macaroni & cheese:

“Drain pasta, squeeze fake cheese, eat directly from pot in squalid kitchenette while watching Cops reruns and wondering precisely where life went so wrong.”

1. Open cardboard box. Dump macaroni in pot of water.

2. Heat pot until water boils over top, permanently staining the stove.

3. Drain pasta, squeeze fake cheese, eat directly from pot in squalid kitchenette while watching Cops reruns and wondering precisely where life went so wrong.

That’s mac & cheese. In maybe forty words. You’re welcome.

Meanwhile, this cookbook? One hundred and thirty-two pages. On one dish, which the food science robots at Kraft practically make for you. So what the hell’s in this book? I don’t know. Do I look like the kind of person who reads books devoted to stove-top meals?

No. Don’t answer that.

So maybe the book actually has one hundred and thirty-two ways to combine melted cheese with elbow-shaped pasta. Like, I don’t know — in a blender, in a boat, with a goat, in the ballroom with the candlestick on top of Lady Peacock… I’m really not seeing it. Best-case scenario, they’ve got a chapter on the regular stuff, a page on the Deluxe version, and the rest is a pop-up book or haikus or a comic book story about a superhero who was once bitten by a radioactive wedge of aged cheddar and his right-angled doughy Italian sidekick.

Okay, now I almost want to read it. But if it’s actually about macaroni and cheese, somehow, I’d feel pretty stupid. I can’t take that risk.

I thought eleven dozen pages devoted to something I’ve been making approximately as long as I’ve been making solid poops would be the lowest cookbooks could stoop. Obviously, I was wrong. Three minutes of Amazon searching, and I found this, from a couple of years ago:

How to Boil WaterTWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIX FREAKING PAGES

It’s not even a dish. It’s a step. What’s next, cookbooks? The six-volume saga of ‘Turn On the Oven‘? The ‘En-saute-pedia Brittanica‘? A library wing devoted to pulling the can opener out of the drawer? Because Dewey Decimal’s going to be pissed. He’s got a System, you know. Don’t go horking it up, cookbooks.

Meanwhile, my wife made dinner tonight. Some kind of pasta dish, with ham and peas and four kinds of cheese. Don’t know what it was called, but it was pretty darned tasty. I bet she’s been reading some of my mom’s old cookbooks. Those were the days.

Permalink  |  No Comments



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved