Mo' Better Eats; 'Mo 'Mazinger Feats

March 14, 2012

Mo’ Better Eats; ‘Mo ‘Mazinger Feats

It’s the end of an era. After fourteen seasons of slinging sauces ‘n’ science, hash ‘n’ history and vignettes au vin, food guru Alton Brown called it quits on his show Good Eats. It was a sad day indeed when the last of the new episodes aired, just over a month ago.

Or was it? Why just a few days ago, the venerable A.B. himself tweeted:

“The only way I’d bring back Good Eats is if there were overwhelming fan demand.”

“Any cook can sweat vegetables. Alton Brown’s vegetables do Pilates.”

(Of course, he added, “And I don’t think that’s going to happen.” But who’s to say? Stranger things have come to pass. Like Cupcake Wars. And What Would Brian Boitano Make? And Guy Fieri.)

To show my support / “overwhelming fan demand” for further Eats, I’ve decided to update an old favorite. Once again in the spirit of ‘stay outta mah kitchen, Chuck Norris!’ — and on the heels of:

Good Eats, Amazing Feats! and Better Eats… and Amazinger Feats?

I bring you:

Thirty EVEN MORE Facts About Alton Brown

#61. Some people use a food pyramid for nutrition. Alton Brown uses a food dodecahedron.

#62. Alton Brown doesn’t clarify butter. Butter had damned well listen up the first time Alton Brown tells it what to do.

#63. Starting your oven before cooking is called ‘preheating’. Starting Alton Brown’s oven before cooking is called ‘foreplay’.

#64. Alton Brown doesn’t use bowls for dredges. Alton Brown’s food rides down a Slip ‘N’ Slide.

#65. You or I would simply crack an egg. Alton Brown breaks eggs down psychologically.

#66. Alton Brown’s toaster has a Hemi.

#67. Most bakers knead their own dough. Alton Brown’s dough gives him Swedish massages.

#68. Alton Brown shucks oysters three at a time. With a coffee stirrer.

#69. Veggies in your fridge go bad in a week. Alton Brown has fresh cucumbers in his crisper that were picked during the Carter administration.

#70. Alton Brown’s yeast burp nitrous oxide.

#71. You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. But Alton Brown can.

#72. Alton Brown once poured salt in his dishwasher and brined a side of beef on the rinse cycle overnight. Because in Alton Brown’s kitchen, there are no unitaskers.

#73. They say man cannot live on bread alone. Clearly, they have never tasted Alton Brown’s pumpernickel rye.

#74. Alton Brown’s oven puts out 30,000 BTUs — “Brown Tastyliciousness Units”.

#75. Any cook can sweat vegetables. Alton Brown’s vegetables do Pilates.

#76. Alton Brown has his own food delivery company. It’s motto is “What can golden brown and delicious do for you?”

#77. Crispix is “crispy times two”. Alton Brown’s breakfast cereal is crispy times infinity.

#78. Alton Brown twice-bakes his potatoes. It’s not always for eating — Alton Brown just wants his potatoes to understand who’s boss.

#79. KFC makes fried chicken that’s “finger-licking good”. When you eat Alton Brown’s fried chicken, you’re legally required to wear gloves so you don’t chew off your own hand.

#80. Alton’s Brown’s Adam’s apple is a superfruit.

#81. Cooking with indirect heat is an important technique. Alton Brown can cook food with a stove three time zones away.

#82. Alton Brown once easily won a celebrity episode of Chopped. But he was later disqualified when it was discovered that Alton Brown didn’t actually use any of the secret ingredients. Alton Brown cooked the baskets.

#83. The flavors of some dishes linger on the palate. The flavors of Alton Brown’s dishes throw a sleeping bag on your taste buds and squat until they’re considered legal residents.

#84. Alton Brown doesn’t just assemble a ‘wet team’ and ‘dry team’ when he bakes. Alton Brown gives them jerseys and hands out playbooks to study.

#85. Seafood Rule of Thumb: Only eat shellfish in a month that starts with Alton Brown.

#86. Alton Brown’s zodiac sign is ‘Umami‘.

#87. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. The way to a man’s stomach is through Alton Brown.

#88. Alton Brown makes 239-bean soup with as many beans as Alton Brown damn well pleases.

#89. Some say the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe, and everything in it. But who cooked the flying spaghetti? You guessed it. Alton Brown.

#90. Alton Brown’s sandwiches have incredible structural integrity. Word is the Burj Khalifa was built on a layer of Alton Brown’s hoagies.

If that doesn’t bring back Good Eats, I don’t know what will. A petition? A letter to Congress? Someone actually letting Food Network know there’s an interest?

Meh, that sounds hard. I’m going back to trying to teach my celery to do aerobics. Happy noshing, all.