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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
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Howdy, friendly reading person!First, there was Vin Diesel.
(Yeah, I know. First there was Bill Brasky. Don’t interrupt me; I’m building up to something here.)
Then, there was Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Jack Bauer.
Then, just because I could, there was Neil Patrick Harris.
(Why? I have no idea. Clearly, I’m not getting enough vitamins in my diet.)
#20. Alton Brown’s cakes don’t rise. They ascend.”
And now, another modern cult hero goes under the microscope. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first — and very likely last — time anywhere, I’m proud to present:
Thirty Facts About… Alton Brown
#1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth.
#2. Alton Brown’s chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard.
#3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon merengue.
#4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.
#5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they’d left for his mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.
#6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was ‘whimsy‘.
#7. Alton Brown doesn’t reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.
#8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain’t afraid of no chump neurotoxin.
#9. Alton Brown’s blender has four speeds: ‘stir’, ‘mix’, ‘frappe’, and ‘plasmify’.
#10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.
#11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry.
#12. On Rachel Ray’s show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.
#13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.
#14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown’s knives can slice through a Pontiac, and still cut a tin can.
#15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown’s vinagrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstacy at forty paces.
#16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay’s potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didn’t make himself, that is.
#17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and spices — and they were delicious.
#18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever — try as they might, they simply can’t ‘do it his way’.
#19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food — including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green. It’s people!
#20. Alton Brown’s cakes don’t rise. They ascend.
#21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown’s meats are so tender, he’s had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.
#22. Alton Brown’s no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kid’s leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.
#23. Alton Brown doesn’t whip potatoes. Alton Brown’s potatoes whip themselves, if they know what’s good for them.
#24. Alton Brown’s other car is the Wienermobile.
#25. Alton Brown’s show is called ‘Good Eats‘, because ‘Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms’ didn’t play with the network’s target demographic.
#26. Alton Brown’s freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin.
#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby’s ‘Horsey Sauce’. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.
#28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching.
#29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.
#30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.
Aaaaand, I’m spent. So, tell me — anything else about Alton Brown we ought to know? Enquiring minds are hungry for more.
Postscript!: If you liked these — the original 30 Alton Brown facts, thanks — then you might also enjoy Better Eats… and Amazinger Feats?: Thirty MORE Facts About… Alton Brown.
AND!!: Yet another set of A.B. trivia: ‘Mo Better Eats, ‘Mo ‘Mazinger Feats. Blog appetit!
(I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Humor Blogs.)
Permalink | 31 Comments
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This piece is dead solid perfect. Why don’t you have a humor column in the Sunday New York Times? I’m just sayin’…
I’m with Elisson. That was fabulous.
It was pretty funny except for all of the lines that were stolen directly from the Chuck Norris jokes and therefore didn’t even remotley apply to Alton Brown’s character.
The first famous person I met
I was reminded of my chance to meet a famous person a few years ago by CalTechGirl’s post on Alton Brown. She found a link that is funny and great for Alton fans. Alton Brown has a show on FoodTV…
Never mind the man above, for he is a mean mean man.
I love you. This is the best thing ever.
Oh, too funny!
For some reason, I could hear Dane Cook reading these – the delivery would be perfect (as would his last name – ha!). I especially loved #17!
Here’s hoping Mr. AB Googles himself…
^_^
#31 Alton has filmed episodes where no one in the show was committing a felony, but they were boring, and never made it past editing.
#32 When Alton Brown’s salt cellar snaps shut, flavors stand at attention. Out of fear.
#33 Alton once made a three course meal entirely out of salt and buttermilk, and then added some salt. For flavor.
#34 Alton once had a typo in one of his books to put in a children’s chewable asprin into pizza dough. Because it had Alton’s name upon it, not only did it still taste wonderful, it also cured 32 common childhood illnesses.
Truly, the funniest string of words I’ve read thus far today:
‘Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms’
You might want to credit zug.com.
Or your the same guy. That would be cool.
Hi Zug reader —
Nice catch; actually, I am the same guy. Check the profile of the user ‘Zolton’ on ZUG, and you’ll see the link back to my site. I’ve reposted a few things from my blog as articles over there. I sometimes hang out on ZUG’s ‘GAB’ message board, too.
Thanks for the note, and for reading. Stop by either site any time for more yuks. Cheers,
Charlie
dane cook is not funny
Thank you for the smiles and laughs! I’m a huge AB fan and you are obviously spot-on!! Great work!
That was high-larious!
Ummmmm, I don’t get it! Ummmm, do you like Alton Brown or not! PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! Dane Cook indeed!!!!
that was nice! i like observant people. that cool!
by the way i like your writing style maybe we could stuffs together sometime soon, charlie.
femi
NIgeria
But, but–I came here for humor. These are mere facts!
(Thank you! I laffed and laffed.)
Alton took on Chuck Norris with a limp spaghetti noodle… and won.
very funny. one correction i would make, as a science geek in training, is that kelvin is not measured in degrees. it would simply be -27 kelvin.
Malarky–as a science geek “in training,” you better double check. the Kelvin scale may be unit-less, but there’s no negative numbers in it–absolute zero is the lowest the Kelvin scale goes. So you were half-right :)
#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby’s ‘Horsey Sauce’. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.
This one confuses. Why would the judge care? Alton used no shellfish. He used only salt, water, canned SPAM, and a packet of Arby’s ‘Horsey Sauce’.
Also, I’m sure Malarky knows that 0 Kelvin is the lowest possible temperature, but he was going along with the -27 thing as being the joke.
@ Yuri
His “shrimp gumbo” was so convincing, the judge actually had an allergic reaction, though there was no shrimp.
good eats is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring i hope they take it off air!!!
When Alton Brown watches a pot, it boils.
You forgot on #6 that not only did Alton Brown manage to take on all three Iron Chefs and win, he all did so while doing the COMMENTARY. Because it was never aired, his he never won his emmy/oscar/every award imaginable for the feat.
I know. I was there.
(Great AB lists by the way.)
We’re big Alton Brown fans and enjoyed this tremendously!
We need to find a way to send these to him.
JUST WANTED TO KNOW YOU HAVE AN 82 YEAR-YOUNG VIEWER. I THINK YOU ARE A GENIUS, BUT AN IDIOTIC ONE, WHO IS DELIGHTFUL TO WATCH.I HAVE 3 DAUGHTERS WATCHING TOO. NONE OF US ARE GOOD COOKS, BUT ENJOY YOUR ANTICS MIXED IN WITH YOUR OTHER VERY INTELLIGENT DOINGS.
@ jasmine
DEMON SPAWN!!!!! DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN!!!!!!! also, all the new jokes, no, facts, are as genius as the original. GEINUS!!!!!
Interesting Article, I liked it. I am news correspondent & I was trying to write an article on
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