Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Well, If You Didn’t Do It, And I Didn’t Do It…

So, I’ve got a dog. I’ve mentioned this many times before. I’ve talked about her nose, for instance, and her dubious bladder control, and her unfortunate odor problem, among other things.

But what I haven’t told you is how handy it can be to have a dog. Seriously, adopting our puppy is just about the most useful thing I’ve ever done. Oh, sure, there’s the love and the companionship and all that nicey-nice crap. Yeah, that stuff is cool, I guess. If you’re into that sort of thing.

But the real beauty of having a dog around is, of course, that I now have a ready scapegoat for just about anything. Not to mention a willing accomplice to help me cover up — or more likely, eat — any incriminating evidence. All I have to do is make sure that my wife doesn’t actually see me doing something dangerous, or dumb, or downright disgusting, and I’m in the clear.

Say I’m eating chips on the couch.

(Um, you know, healthy chips, of course. Chips made from… um, broccoli or something. Carrot chips, maybe. Baked cauliflower chips?

Aw, shit, who am I kidding? These are not the kind of chips that are good for you. They’re greasy, nasty, drippy, salty cholesterol wafers, all right? I might as well just inject Cheez Whiz into my veins, or hook up some sort of pork rind enema. Um, liquefied pork rinds, of course. Otherwise, it’d be all tickly.)

All right. Where the hell was I? Ah. Chips on the couch. Okay.

So, let’s further assume — theoretically — that I’m a big fumble-fingered slob, and I drop chips and chiplets and salt all over the couch, and quite possibly the floor. Let’s even say — just because we’re on a roll here, you understand — that I don’t have a napkin handy, so I wipe my greasy hands on the wall beside the couch. Not cool, right? The wife’s gonna be pissed, no?

Well, no. Not necessarily. Every bit of this heinous mess can be erased easily — and happily — by my furry four-legged friend. She’ll hoover the chips off the floor, and suck the couch clean, and lick every drop of lard off the wall. And wag her tail while she’s doing it! It’s like I’m doing her a favor — what could be better? Sure, the whole room is then covered in dog spittle, but come on — you know how dogs are. That’s gonna happen anyway. It’s the perfect crime.

But that’s not all. Not by a long shot. Even the dog’s propensity to drool comes in handy. I’m always patting the dog, or rubbing her chin, and coming away with smears of slobber all over my cuff or sleeve. Disgusting, certainly. But useful. After a few months of walking around with sticky goo on my shirt, it’s no longer questioned. People just accept any slimy crap as pooch juice of some kind. You can probably see where this is going.

So now, if I need to wipe my own mouth, or my nose, and I’ve got a sleeve handy — well, why not? No one will ever suspect what’s really stuck on my cuffs. Hell, I’ll even let other people use them. Friends, coworkers, strangers — what’s the difference? Of course, not many people actually take me up on it. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Them: *achoo!*

Me: Gesundheit! You all right?

Them: Um, yeah. *sniffle* Sorry. Do you have a handkerchief?

Me: No, sorry. But here — use my sleeve.

Them: Uh, that’s okay. Maybe just a tissue?

Me: Nah, but really. Here — just wipe it right here. It’s cool.

Them: Dude, that’s crazy.

Me: Come on! It’s fine.

Them: No! *snurrrf* That’s gross!

Me: Look, you need it. Snot on my sleeve, dammit!

Them: Ew!

Me: Here, I’ll just rub it for you. Just blow out.

Them: Mmmff. Gah! Get the hell away from me! Help! Police!

Yeah, I don’t have a lot of friends. (Why do you ask?)

Anyway, even if no one else wants to take advantage of my situation, there’s no reason I have to suffer. I can lie and beguile people into thinking anything is harmless dog drool. And it’s not just about bodily fluids, either. I can smear Chapstick on there if I want, or extra deodorant for an emergency.

(Though it’s important not to get those two confused. While it’s nice to know that I’ll never have chapped armpits, it’s no friggin’ picnic walking around all day with Right Guard breath. Blech!)

Anyway, it’s good to have the dog around. I can’t count the number of times she’s come through for me in one way or another. Hell, I’m thinking about taking advantage of her right now.

(No, not in that way, you pervert. I’m not gonna put on some Barry White and rub kibble on my nipples, okay? And under no circumstances will there be peanut butter applied to my nether regions. Do you know how hard that shit is to get washed out of your hair down there?

Um. From what I hear, that is. Yeah. Ahem. Moving on.)

But I think I do have a use for her. It’s not completely unheard of for her to have an ‘accident’ on the carpet, you see. And I’m sitting on the couch watching football right now, thinking that I’ve really got to make a number one soon. And our bathroom is soooo far away. I could probably just lean back and ‘rainbow’ it over there next to her. When my wife comes in, it’ll just appear to be another doggie tinkling on the rug. No problem, right?

Hmmm. Nah, I’d better not. With my luck, I’d miss, and pee all over the dog’s back or something. That would be a little tougher to explain. ‘Um… maybe she rolled in it? Or bounced it off the wall? I can’t keep an eye on her every second, you know!

Yeah, I think I’ll just hit the head, and leave the pooch out of this. I almost got caught letting her eat peas off my plate last night. I probably shouldn’t push my luck. I think my wife might be just a bit more upset over this ‘pee’ than those ‘peas’, too. You gotta pick your battles, you know.

Permalink  |  1 Comment



One Response to “Well, If You Didn’t Do It, And I Didn’t Do It…”

  1. Lara says:

    You’d be SO dead if you were my husband and did that! DEAD!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved