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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

If You Didn’t Know Me Then… You’ll Certainly Know Me Now

First of all, I want to thank you — all seventeen of you — for taking my little quiz. If you’d like to make your own, head on over to FriendTest and take the plunge. In the meantime, I’ve officially closed my quiz, tallied up the results, and will let you in on all of my dirty little secrets below. Read on, brave souls.


Results of the Where the Hell Have You Been? Quiz:

1. Charlie once interviewed with:

Mongo (1 answer)

Lordan (1 answer)

Zolton (7 answers)

Zorro (0 answers)

Michael Bolton (8 answers)

Notes: Interesting split here — apparently, all the guessers decided to go with the only ‘real’ person in the group (though I’m personally not convinced Michael Bolton’s not some sort of evil alien robot, if you must know the truth). But I actually only included him because his last name reminded me of the others. Bolton. Bol-ton. Sounds like somebody who’d kick Mothra’s ass, doesn’t it? Sadly, he wouldn’t, but it sounds like he might. False advertising, if you ask me.

Anyway, for anyone who guessed Bol-Ton, or who just wants to relive my hellish interview with Zolton, Master of the Universe, feel free to read the whole sordid mess.

2. Before he got bored, Charlie created taglines for how many posts?

Three (1 answer)

A couple of dozen (3 answers)

Fifty-plus (4 answers)

Over a hundred (8 answers)

Six billion (1 answer)

Notes: People, people, people… have many of you learned nothing from this site? ‘Three’? ‘A couple of dozen’? C’mon, folks — isn’t it clear by now that when I set out to do something, I turn it into a ridiculous, unhealthy obsession? You ‘fifty-plus’ people, I can forgive — you were on the right track, at least. And big props to Joy, who answered ‘six billion’. Honey, I’m good… but I’m not that good.

If you’re interested in reading — and even borrowing — the full set of taglines (one hundred and twenty-four, to be exact), then check out the gallery. I recently relented and added one of my favorites to the header here on the main site; maybe one day I’ll get my shit together and write a script to rotate through all the ones I like or something. Yeah, I’ll get on that right after I cure cancer and straighten out those little Middle East spats. Sure.

3. The only stitches Charlie ever got were in his:

Ass (3 answers)

Thigh (2 answers)

Chest (0 answers)

Chin (9 answers)

Foot (3 answers)

Notes: Okay, it disturbs me just a tad that there are some of you walking around, going through your day, thinking I have a stitch scar on my ass. In retrospect (and I use that word because this seems like a really bad time to use the term ‘hindsight’), I probably should’ve excluded my ass from the answer list — I really never needed to know that three of you have come up with some kooky backstory and dreamed up a scenario that ends with me having a doctor stitch my asscheek back together. Or worse. Really, I just need a shower now. Ick.

In the meantime, though, please, just do us all a favor and read about how I got the stitches in my chin. Please, just read it, and stop with the imaginary ass carnage, okay? I would so appreciate it. Thanks in advance. Really.

4. Charlie’s dog is a:

drooling moron (4 answers)

vicious pit bull (0 answers)

skunk-chasing loon (1 answer)

damned dirty poop-stepper (1 answer)

all of the above (11 answers)

Notes: It was points all ’round on this question — the ‘right’ answer was ‘all of the above’, so I gave partial credit for all the others. I suppose ‘vicious pit bull’ really wasn’t fair, since she’s really a ‘sweetie-pie pit bull’, but that kind of shit embarrasses her, so I try to play up her ‘vicious’, ‘man-killing’ side. It gets her more props out at the dog park. You understand.

So, let’s see if I can find posts to back up all of those answers… here’s one where I mention that she’s a pit bull. And somewhere in this little ditty, I mention her proclivity to ‘tiptoe through the turdies’. Then there’s the Dances With Skunks episode, and one of the many posts about my dog’s little drooling problem. And they all point to her being a moron. So I think ‘all of the above’ pretty much speaks for itself at this point. Goofy little beast, anyway.

5. The word Charlie invented to mean ‘unfunny’ is:

pooply (1 answer)

boobered (14 answers)

grunchy (1 answer)

spungo (1 answer)

blecht (0 answers)

Notes: Hey, nice going on this one! It looks like the word on ‘boobered’ is really getting out there. Yay for all of us!

On the other hand, if you’re one of those ‘pooply’, ‘grunchy’, ‘spungo’ people (and I can’t imagine any of those things are good), then you’d better read the post that started the movement, and get your ass on the bandwagon, already. You’re holding up progress, there, Skippy — get with the program. Blecht!

6. Charlie’s second (or third, if you count blogging) ‘job’ is:

taxidermist (1 answer)

race car driver (0 answers)

standup comedian (16 answers)

cartoonist (0 answers)

runway model (0 answers)

Notes: Oh, Ms. Terry… Ms. Terry, Ms. Terry, Ms. Terry… oh my word. ‘Taxidermist‘, Ms. Terry? Please! Now, don’t get me wrong — I do appreciate you taking the quiz… but taxidermist? Look, I’ve got a lot of sick, twisted hobbies… but shoving sawdust up dead animal rumps is just so not on that list. Really. Even I have my limits.

So please — go check out a few of my standup sets, and catch up to the rest of the class. And look closely — you won’t once see me with my hand up a dead animal’s ass. Sure, a live one occasionally… but that’s not ‘taxidermy’. That’s just fun on a Friday night. See? Different.

7. The ‘Big Wall’ is Charlie’s way of deflecting people’s:

skulls (1 answer)

‘Big Balls’ (0 answers)

stupid questions (7 answers)

body odors (0 answers)

icky personal sharing (9 answers)

Notes: Aw man, nobody went for ‘Big Balls’? Damn… I was hoping to get you with that one. But you know, come to think of it, I could really use something to deflect people’s skulls. Maybe I should start carrying a 4-iron to work or something. I’ll have to work on that.

Until then, I suppose I’ll have to make do with the Big Wall. And you can, too — the operating instructions are laid out in my second post ever. Take a trip waaaay back to last June and read all about it.

8. Charlie discovered he was old while:

looking in the mirror (4 answers)

reading a calendar (1 answer)

perusing a Playboy (5 answers)

talking to a teenager (6 answers)

blowing out his birthday candles (1 answer)

Notes: This was a tough one — apparently, I actually came up with five plausible answers. And, just as apparently, not many of you actually followed the ‘The Day I Got Old’ link in my ‘Proud Moments’ section. Lazy, no-good, stinkin’… okay, sorry. I don’t mean that. I’m just a little bitter right now. I’d have thought most of you would know that I do my very best to avoid looking in the mirror, or talking to goddamned teenagers. Sheesh.

Anyway, if you’re interested in the real story, it’s all right here in black and white. But the magazine was in color. Oh, baby, was it ever.

9. Charlie has a small chunk of what embedded in his leg?

grenade shrapnel (0 answers)

splintered wood (3 answers)

surgically-inserted metal (1 answer)

Dom Deluise (1 answer)

pencil lead (12 answers)

Notes: Okay, I didn’t actually look to see who thought I have a little piece of Dom Deluise stuck in my leg, but bravo, whoever you are. Nice goin’. And I’m a little miffed that no one thought I took a grenade out there in the shit. Okay, I take that back — I was never voted ‘Most Likely to See Combat’, I suppose. Still, I’ve had a surprising number of people threaten me with grenades over the years — I’m actually a little surprised myself that none of them ever followed up. Wusses.

But the little bitch in the pencil lead saga sure as hell did. She pushed, and pushed, and broke that damned thing off inside me. *long pause* You know… that’s really not a sentence I ever saw myself typing. I think it’s best if I just leave it at that, before it gets any worse. Odd what blogging will do to you, isn’t it?

10. Many people have found Charlie’s blog by searching for which animated cutie?

Stripperella (11 answers)

Judy Jetson (1 answer)

Veronica from Archie (0 answers)

Bubbles the Powerpuff Girl (2 answers)

Josie of the Pussycats (3 answers)

Notes: Well, if nothing else, I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who’d do a Google search looking for lewd snaps of Bubbles. Or, um… oh. Wait. You two were just saying that other people might get here by searching for Bubbles, weren’t you? And I never said anything about naked pics or sexy thongs in the question, did I? Shit. I fear I’ve shared too much again. How come that ‘Big Wall’ of mine doesn’t work in reverse? Bitches!

In any case, feel free to check out one of the many chapters in the Stripperella search saga. The noise from that has pretty much died down by now — as has the show, since it was canned several months ago — but I still get a few hits a week from horny anime fans looking for perky Pammy’s bare boobies. Frankly, I don’t get it. Veronica in a G-string, sure. Josie and Judy in a naked Jell-o wrestling match? In an animated heartbeat. I am so there. But Pam Anderson’s animated character, when the real Pam strips down and lubes up at the drop of a hat? I just don’t see the point. Or, you know, points. So to speak. Ahem.


So, that’s it. Congrats and mad rabid props to VEEZER and Andy, who scored the highest, but thanks to all of you who took the test, or even managed to get all the way through this train wreck of an answer key. Man, the tests in school were never this hard, huh? Next time, I’ll assign reading material first, instead of popping it on you by surprise. Maybe then I won’t have to grade on the curve. Tsk.

Permalink  |  7 Comments



7 Responses to “If You Didn’t Know Me Then… You’ll Certainly Know Me Now”

  1. nefarious says:

    I feel so much closer to you now. Not for all of the answers… that’s great and all… but for our common bond. We are lead brothers. I too have the tip of a pencil in my leg. I don’t want to know where you keep your eraser.

  2. Andy says:

    I also have pencil lead in my leg, well, knee specifically.

    Oh, and go here for a nice script to randomize all those taglines –

    http://www.cutandpastescripts.com/ />

    That’s what I use on my site anyway.

  3. Andy says:

    Oh, and am I the only guy who thought of Office Space with the Michael Bolton interview?

  4. Joy says:

    I’ve been mentioned in your blog now, I guess it’s time to cross that off in my list of “things to do.”

    Seriously, if you ever get the chance to interview Michael Bolton, you should. The man’s hair alone would give you enough for your next comedy routine.

  5. Zoot says:

    I stuck a pencil in my eye in second grade. And although there’s no actual led in there, I do have a small greyish/blueish dot on the white of my eye. Blink.

  6. Charlie says:

    Wow! Nef, Andy, and now Zoot, too?

    We should start a webring or club or something — ‘Writer’s With Permanent Pencils’, or the ‘Leaded Poets Society’, or something.

    This needs some work… but I think we’ve got something here. This could be veeeery interesting.

  7. Riri says:

    I’ve got dirt in my left palm deep under the skin for the last 8 years. Can I join the club? It looks just like a pencil lead!

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