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Just Call Me ‘Gramps’ and Throw Me in a Rocker

So, in case you’re just tuning in, I’ll come right out and tell you: I’m old.

Specifically — and oh so tragically — I’m 34 years old. And while that’s not ancient, by any means — hell, Wilford Brimley’s got me by at least three times that age, and he’s still shuffling around out there somewhere — it is damned close to being irrelevant.

You see, just about every product, marketing pitch, and entertainment package in the country is aimed squarely between the eyes of the all-important target demographic — 18-34 year olds, and usually males. That’s the group of people who — traditionally, anyway — make the decisions, earn the cash, and buy the shit off the shelves. They’re the marketing monkeys’ wet dream, and as annoying as the endless flood of asinine advertising and bullshit pitches is, it’s at least nice to be relevant. Just think how aggravating that crap is gonna be when I’m not even the target, but I still have to see it. Gah.

And that’s where I’m heading, just a few short months from now. Honestly, once I hit 35, what’s left out there for me to buy? Depends? Metamucil? Long-lasting, extra-throbby Viagra? Great. Just get me my damned shawl now, and let me dessicate in quiet dignity instead, would you? The function or dysfunction of my erectile unit is not going to be a topic of conversation. Not likely.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to enjoy my fleeting time in the sun. I watched more of the X Games this year than usual — next time it comes around, I’ll be gumming applesauce and yelling at the kids on TV to ‘get real jobs, you whippersnappers!‘ And I’m planning on wearing shorts through February or so. Because next fall, I’ll have to avoid them altogether; once you’re 35, I think you’re obligated to strap on the stupid-looking dark socks and pull them up to your kneecaps. I’d rather smoke a dirty diaper. I’m not goin’ there.

Eh, maybe it won’t be so bad. I suppose there’s still Matlock to watch, and I can thumb through the stewed prune ads in the AARP monthly. In this jacked-up, in-your-face, overmarketed digital world we live in, there’s plenty of advertising to go around for everyone — on TV, computers, electronic billboards, PDAs, you name it. It’s almost a pity that I won’t be able to figure any of that shit out soon. It ain’t easy getting old.