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I Got Your ‘Fisheye Lens’ Right Here, Jackass!

Well, here we go again, kids. It’s Blogger Idol time, so let’s skip the pleasantries and just get ourselves lubed up, shall we?

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Week Five Topic: ‘Picture This’

Well, poop. I’m not really much of a ‘picture guy’, really. You know, having no artistic talent or visual imagination to speak of.

(That’s right, folks — it’s all words and voices up there. Frightened yet? You oughta be.)

On top of that, I’m not the most photogenic person on the face of the planet. Oh, I’m not the least photogenic, either, of course — at least as long as Carrot Top and Sandra Bernhardt are alive, anyway. But I’ve never really enjoyed having my picture taken — I never know where to stand, or where to put my hands, and I always, always, always blink before the flash goes off. Without exception, without fail. It’s one of my more annoying involuntary habits. (Though not nearly as vexing as many of the things that I do on purpose. Those just suck.)

Anyway, the blinking — there seems to be no way to stop it. I’ve tried everything I can think of, from holding my eyes shut until the picture’s about to be taken, to looking away from the camera until the ‘pre-flash’ occurs, to bugging my eyes open like Marty Feldman on a coke high, hoping that if I just get those damned eyelids far enough apart, they can’t whoosh shut before the picture is snapped.

But they always do. The bastards.

So, I’ve got whole shelffuls of vacation snaps and wedding shots and ‘candid photos’ with my eyes in various stages of shutness. Sometimes, they’re just closed, which looks most natural.

(People see these pics and say, ‘Oh, he looks so peaceful. It’s almost like he’s sleeping.‘ This is how I know I’m not photogenic — when your best pictures get ‘compliments’ normally given to dead people at their own funerals, then you know you’re never going to be asked to be in the front row of any group shots. Or couple shots, or even your own portraits.

Hell, I went the other day to get a head shot done for standup, and they hid me behind a lamp. And I still blinked. Meh.)

Anyway, like I said, the ‘sleeping’ pose is the good one. There’s also the ‘eyes squished shut’ look, the ‘squinty scrunched-up nose’ shot, and the ever-popular ‘Exorcist’ pose, where there’s still a little sliver of each eye showing, but no pupil, so I look like some alien bodysnatcher belched up from the depths of Hell. Yeah, that’s a good look for a groom. The families loved that one.

(And yes, I realize that being ‘belched’ from hell probably isn’t technically compatible with being an ‘alien’, assuming that hell is… you know, down there somewhere. Just work with me, here, all right? Sometimes I get all excited and just throw words together. And who knows — maybe subterranean demons are aliens. Seriously, have you ever met one? Who’s to say, really?)

Circling back to the point, pictures suck. At least, the pictures I’m in suck. I’ve seen a few out there that didn’t include me and were quite nice, so I have to assume that I’m the problem. My only chance to make a positive photographic contribution is to have the shutter snapped in broad daylight, where there’s at least a slim chance that I can keep my damned eyes open. Even then, I’ll probably end up in some ridiculous pose, with my hands thrust three feet into my pockets, or arms awkwardly akimbo like a bad ‘Yul Brenner in The King and I‘ impression. It’s just a friggin’ nightmare.

A-hah! Which gives me, finally, not only an idea for how to tie in this week’s topic, but also a way to get out my true feelings about getting my mug shutterbugged. It all fits perfectly, and it’s simply this:

The next time someone asks me, ‘Can I take your picture?‘, I’ll simply turn to them, smile sweetly, and say,

‘Yeah, I don’t think so. Why don’t you picture this, bitch!‘

And then.. I don’t know, I’ll do something crude and awful, like moon the person, or flip him or her off, or unleash a squealing ninja nipple-twister.

(That’s the other person’s nipples being twisted, if you’re scoring at home. Just to be clear.

Aw, hell, maybe I’d give my own just a little tweak. Just for giggles.)

Anyway, I don’t know if it would work. Certainly, it’ll get a little dicey around Christmastime, when the family photo ops come fast and furious. I’m pretty sure Dad’s not gonna take too kindly to being given the finger, and Mom’s never liked having an ass waved in her face. I suppose there’s a chance that dear old grandma might actually appreciate having her boob-ends twiddled… but I’m not terribly excited at the prospect of trying to find the damned things. Maybe I’ll just moon her, too. She’ll get over it.

But definitely, I’m gonna use the ‘Picture this!‘ line. I’m digging that. So thanks for the idea, Darren — hey, this Blogger Idol thing is really coming in handy! Sweet!