December 14, 2008
For a guy who has written so many words — several of which I didn’t make up, even — I never seem to be able to find the right ones. That’s where this weekend’s ‘Werind’ post comes in.
A while back, I got tired of using (and hearing) the same old cliched crap at every turn. At Thanksgiving: ‘I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse!‘ When I’m feeling sick: ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away!‘ During my employee review at work: ‘You don’t know shit from shinola!‘
“It’s all Disneyland and balloons until someone hoses down an ass crack!”
Yawn.
Let’s face it. Anyone can spew out those tired old saws, and just about everyone on the English-speaking side of the planet has. What I wanted was a new way of expressing myself, some sort of truism generator that would get the point across, and make an impact by doing it in a new and exciting — and, quite probably, considerably filthy — way.
Thus was born the Cliche-O-Matic.
Now up to 35 situations (including five added just for this Weekend Werind Wextravaganza!), the Cliche-O-Matic is a one-stop shop for expressions and sayings that you never dreamed possible. Nor did your local cops. Nor your priest or rabbi or holy imam. And good lord, don’t tell your mother what comes out of this thing. I can’t imagine what she’d wash your mouth out with, but it wouldn’t be good.
In just about any other company, though, fire away with the sassy goodness that spews forth from the one and only Cliche-O-Matic. Show your cautious side: ‘It’s all Disneyland and balloons until someone hoses down an ass crack!‘ Express your defiance: ‘That which does not incarcerate me will only make me wigglier!‘ Or demonstrate your initiative: ‘Sometimes you have to squeeze the handyman by the funbags!‘
All things are possible — and most are libelous, scandalous, or prohibited by local law — with the newly-updated and always entertaining Cliche-O-Matic. Haven’t tried it? Try it now! Tried it before? Try it again! Jailed for trying it? Break out, lay low, swim to Guatemala and try it there! Just don’t try it more than twice, or you’re only playing with it.
It’s the Cliche-O-Matic™! Yaaaaaay!
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yeah, i’m not touching those cliches with a 10 foot yak’s salad shooter.
No, Kerry? I’m disappointed.
Still, you know what they say, I guess:
“That’s the way the winkie wiggles.”
Also? Remind me never to visit your house for salad.
and that was as clean as i could make it, too.