Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

That’s a Lot of Candles on the Cake, Baby!

Folks, I think it’s time to step back for a moment, and take a good look at what we’re doing here.

(No, really, it’s okay — I’ll get back to the dick jokes and nonsense in a minute. I’m just feeling nostalgic tonight, is all. I’m not considering a sex-change operation, or moving to Guam to live as a coconut fetcher on the beach, or anything.

Do they even have coconuts in Guam? I don’t know. I can’t even tell you where the hell Guam is, other than ‘in the middle of the damned ocean somewhere’. Just work with me for one second here, would you?)

Anyway, I’m not particularly into tooting my own horn — at least not if there’s someone else around willing to do some tooting for me — but a couple of milestones have come and gone around here recently, and dammit, I’m just the sort of old-fashioned, traditional, meat-and-potatoes, missionary-man-on-top kind of guy to notice that sort of thing.

(Note, by the way, that ‘missionary, man on top’ is so not really what I prefer. It’s just a figure of speech, really. Honestly, if things are getting kink-kay, then why not go all Kama Sutra on each others’ asses, I say. Or each others’ nostrils, or chakras, or whereever it is that book tells you to stick things.

On the other hand, if it’s more subdued and shit — why would I want the top, where you have to do all the work? I mean, I’m not just gonna ‘lie there and sweat’, by any means, but jeez — at least on the bottom, you get a little rest, right?

Have I gone too far down this path, by the way? I’m sensing a lot of open-mouthed gapes out there. Pick those chins up, people. All this silly sex chatter is on the outs right about… now.)

So — milestones. Let’s talk about that, before things get really uncomfortable around here. And what sorts of yummy milestones have we recently hit together, you and I, dear reader? Well, I’ll tell you:

First of all, this marks my 751st post here on the main ‘Where the Hell Was I? campus. Which doesn’t count a couple of non-transferred posts on the original site, plus the 101 ‘Things About Me’ posts, or the several dozen posts devoted to joke setups, info pages, or comedy shows. Together, I’m sure we’re at some insignificant, anonymous number short of one thousand. But as for ‘main area’ posts alone, we just hit 750, so that’s what I’m counting, bitches. Today, anyway. If the whole gamut ever adds up to quadruple digits, then maybe you’ll hear about that. But not today.

Now, you may be asking yourself, ‘Well, now that you mention it — just how long does it take for you to manage 750 posts?‘ More likely, you’re asking yourself, ‘What the hell did I ever say to you to make you think that I gave a gliding gopher’s ass about any of this?‘

(And if that’s the case — for shame, people. I don’t have a helluva lot of glory to bask in, for chrissakes. And plopping a few million words on this site hardly qualifies, really, but it’s all I’ve fricking got right now. So pipe down, and let me have my moment in the gloom, would you? I don’t ask for much, folks.)

Anyway, I’ll tell you how long — that’s just the kind of guy I am, you see. For me, apparently, it takes exactly one hundred and one weeks to concoct 750 posts here. So that’s another milestone — one hundred weeks gone by, and another hundred off to a furious start, wouldn’t you say? If not furious, then at least ‘raging‘, right?

Would you believe ‘snarky‘? How about ‘petulant‘? ‘Gassy‘, perhaps? Whatever.

Look, the point is, we’ve got a hundred weeks of rambling drivel under our belts, you and I. Or somewhat less, if you haven’t been here since the beginning, but hey — there’s always time to go back to the beginning, and start from scratch. That whole ‘mental stability’ thing is highly overrated, after all.

Meanwhile, there’s the least auspicious of the milestones to deal with. Through a combination of a busy comedy schedule, a miraculously working camcorder, and general crap-assed laziness, I am — for the first time ever — now five shows behind in posting clips to the site. Does anyone care? No. Is anyone clamoring to see the new material here, within these pages? Decidedly not.

(And if they were, then they’d likely stop the clamor after watching. Nobody ever said standup would be pretty, people. Especially my variety. Thank god my parents don’t have a time machine; I think I found their best arguments for birth control, in three handy digital video formats for easy download.)

Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is: ‘Thank you‘. I’d like to say that I couldn’t have done it without you… but shit, people — it’s a weblog. Of course I could have written 750 posts without you. Hell, nobody’s read 740 of them as it is, so clearly that’s not true.

But I can honestly say that it wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun thus far without your input, and your comments, and your suggestions — with the possible exception of, ‘Hey, don’t quit your day job, bucko‘. Realistic? Probably. ‘Fun‘? Not so much.

Still, most of the feedback I’ve gotten hasn’t been in the form of death threats or restraining orders, so I’ve chosen to count it as ‘positive reinforcement’. And so I thank you, and look forward — starting with the entry that your beady little eyeballs are soaking in right now — to bringing you the next seven hundred and fifty posts. And so, week one-oh-one rolls onward. Who knows what the next day, or idea, or massive head trauma, will bring, eh?

Anyway, that’s all I really wanted to say tonight — thanks! Whether you’re here for a daily fix, dropping in for the first time, or simply looking for nasty celebrity cartoon porn that I don’t actually have, I thank you. You’re a special little hit on the old counter, and you put the ‘bee-ay-yoo-tee-ful‘ in B-L-O-G. I hope to see you again soon. Cheerio!