Sunday Feature Fun

September 17, 2006

I spent the weekend — by which I mean an hour and a half on Sunday evening, after all of the interesting football games had ended — taking the virtual feather duster to a few of the features on this site. I took the opportunity to clear the mothballs away, and update a few of said features, and would now like to point you in their direction.

And away from the direction that indicates that I had nothing else to write about today. Far, far away.

“It is, if nothing else, a testament to my staunch pledge against self-censorship on this site. Which is probably not a good thing.”

‘Hey, look over here! Features over this way — look how shiny! Pretty, preeeeety features. Happy little features. Pay no attention to that glaring lack of topic behind you. Excellent.‘

All right; on to the updates. First, there are five brand-spanking new entries in the Cliche-O-Matic. Here are a couple of quick examples you might — or might not — find there:

‘It’s always messiest before the Hoovering!‘

‘A banana a day keeps the tax man in prison!‘

‘If at first you don’t offend, slur slur again!‘

Don’t be stuck spouting the same old passe pap, like everyone else. Use the Cliche-O-Matic to find your own unique mottos and truisms with which to impress your friends. Lots of fun at parties!*

(The management does not condone actually using said cliches at parties, or any other social function. We are not respondible for shunning, blank stares, or possible incarceration that may occur should cliches be used in public. Use at your own risk.)

Next we have the latest entry on Charlie’s Big List of Lists. To save you the effort of clicking through, I’ll reproduce the list here:

Things I Would Never Do When I Think a Policeman Might Be Watching

Exceed the speed limit

Vandalize a public edifice

Pick my nose

Create a public disturbance

Jaywalk

Covet my neighbor’s wife

Transport contraband across state lines

Litter

Offer candy to children

Worship false idols

There are plenty more “McSweeney’s-esque, but not quite good enough, apparently, to actually find their way into McSweeney’s” lists over at the main Big List of Lists page. Bite-sized bits of silliness never tasted so good.

Then there’s the long-(and-rightfully)neglected Quantum Terminology page.

I have no explanation for this feature. I don’t know what I was thinking, nor what I was smoking at the time. It is, if nothing else, a testament to my staunch pledge against self-censorship on this site. Which is probably not a good thing.

However.

I feel I can finally put the silly thing to rest by finally adding an even tenth term to the loopy lexicon. So that’s what I’ve done with a newly(ish)-coined nugget that I’d like to share:

flaccipointing

From the Quantum Terminology page description:

This should only be used when a sad and unfortunate situation is truly… well, deflating. It’s the ultimate term for expressing profound disappointment — at least if you’re a man. As in the example:

‘I really liked ‘Sorority Pillow Fight’, volumes 1 and 2. But volume 3, where they only used throw pillows and pincushions? Very flaccipointing.‘

Go forth and spread flaccipointing to the world. In this age of international strife, personal struggles, and oodles and oodles of freely-available porn, it’s certainly a word that’s long, long overdue.

Now, please. Let us never speak of this feature again.

Finally, there’s the 33 Faces of Me page.

Just sitting there, really. I didn’t update it. Nothing changed. I’m still a funny-looking guy, and I thought you could use another chuckle looking at goofy headshots of me. That’s called sacrifice, people. Bonus points for me.

Hopefully for some of you, these updates are of interest. For others, maybe you’ve not explored the ‘extras’ around here, and boy, wouldn’t this be a good time to poke around? Me, I’m off to bed. Just turn out the lights and lock up when you’re done. G’night.