October 4, 2003
Maybe I’m born with it; maybe it’s Blog™.
Q. Can a public service announcement be self-serving?
A. You bet your ass, it can!
Think about it. You think Sally Struthers makes us suffer through those ‘Feed the Children’ commercials just because she’s into the kids? Oh, come now. Sure, she probably cares and all, but she’s also angling for a gig in some Lifetime movie. Seriously, look at her career in the last twenty years. You think she wants to keep doing shit like Marie Osmond’s Merry Christmas? Please. That ‘cup of coffee a day’ crap is free publicity, which is the only kind she can afford these days.
Want another example? How about the Schoolhouse Rock folks? Now, you know they were all proud of themselves over those bits. They were showing off, bucking for promotions and jingle-writing spots. How else do you explain the stuff they chose to present? Conjunctions — harrumph! Nobody has problems with conjunctions; of all the parts of speech, they might be the most used and easiest to get a handle on. We really didn’t need an educational spot about conjunctions.
Ah, but it rhymed with shit, and so, that’s what they used. They could get funky with conjunctions, whether anyone needed the lesson or not. Heaven forbid that they tackle ‘gerunds’ or ‘dangling participles’. Important, sure — but what rhymes with ‘participle’? ‘Hearty tipples’? ‘Farty ripples’? ‘Party nipples’? Clearly, we’d have had a much different Saturday morning with that sort of material.
So, why do I bring this up? Well, I have a public service announcement of my own to make. And frankly, it’s even more self-serving than my examples. You see, you won’t be saving any children, or building any schools, or learning how bills become law from my announcement. At best, you might get a smile out of it, or a snippet that you can use yourself. And in the process, you’ll have to read a bunch of shit that I thought was clever.
(Um, at the time, anyway. The harsh light of day shines a bit unfavorably on some of these things now. You’ll no doubt see what I mean.)
Anyway, here’s the scoop. Things have changed a bit around here recently. Like, yesterday. And thanks to all of you — JadedJu and Suzette in particular, so far — who approve of the new design. So far it’s three ‘for’ (counting moi), and zero against. Those aren’t landslide numbers — yet! — but I’m pretty happy with the results. I think this layout’s a ‘keepah‘, as the Kennedys would say.
But, as you may have noticed, there’s no good spot for a tagline in this design. At least, not one as loooong as mine. So, I scrapped it. Easy come, easy go. Ah, but that brings up another little issue. You see, at the top of every post, just under the title, I’ve been including an ‘alternate tagline‘. I started doing this on my second (aka, next-to-first) post, and never stopped. I figured that I’d eventually get tired of my tagline and think of better ones, so why not just include them in posts? That way, I wouldn’t spend all my time futzing around with one meaningless part of the site, agonizing over which one I liked the very most bestest, and I could get on with writing the damned posts.
But now, there’s no tagline at all. And frankly, sometimes coming up with the alternate line for the day is the hardest fricking part of writing an entry. So, I think I’m going to retire this particular feature, and get back to simply telling stories about how stupid I and most of the people around me are. Oh, and my dog. Yeah, she’s a real shit-for-brains sometimes, too.
(Maybe it’s contagious. Who knows?)
So. I tell you all of that, to tell you this.
(This is the ‘Public Service Announcement’ part; hope you weren’t holding your breath all this time.)
Since I won’t be needing a tagline again anytime soon, I’m inviting all of you to use any or all of them that you like. Use them as your own mottos, or your blog names, or just work them into posts — whatever you want. Some of them are actually pretty good, if I do say so myself. (And some of them are pure crap that I scribbled down to get a post rolling. So sue me.) But all of them are yours now; go forth and spread the word to the six corners of the Internet.
(‘Cause we all know the Internet’s a hexagon, right? Right?)
As a matter of fact, I’m gonna make it easy for you.
(That’s just the kind of stand-up, do-right, and lots of other hyphenated words, kind of guy that I am.)
I’m going to repost each and every tagline I came up with — one hundred and twenty-four in all — right here, for you to browse and pick over, like some online trailer park yard sale. All I ask of you is this — if you use one of these, just drop me a comment. I like to know what my babies are up to. Hell, if you even like one, let me know. Or if you have some of your own that are better. Or you just want to say hi. Anything, really. I’m a comment whore; there’s no shame in that.
(And if there is, I’ll drink enough to drown it. Don’t you worry about me.)
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, comes the self-serving part. Well, some of that is obvious: I like to think that some of these lines are pretty cool, and that I came up with a helluva lot of them.
(Needlessly? Perhaps. Still, there they are. We don’t mock Stonehenge just because the druids didn’t know what the hell they were doing, now, do we?)
And so, I’m proud to show them off all at once, in a sort of tagline tour de force. Or, um, something. That might be going a bit far, even for me.
But — but, I say! — the self-servitatiousness doesn’t stop there! Oh, no — not by a longshot. Because, you see, I’m also going to take the time to painstakingly link each and every tagline to the post on which it appeared. Why? I don’t honestly know. It’s not like you can tell anything about the post from the tagline; they’re completely unrelated. If you click on any one of them, there’s no telling what sort of fracas you’ll end up in. Maybe something bad; maybe something good. You don’t know. But it’s another chance for you to make clicky-clicky on my little links, and read my shit, and that makes me feel good.
(In a strangely arousing way. You cheeky little monkey, you. Rawr!)
So, give it a whirl. Feed my ego. At least this is the last time you’ll have to read one of my taglines. You know, unless a really good one pops into my head. In the meantime, enjoy the show. And be glad it’s not costing you even the cost of ‘a cup of coffee a day’ to put up with this shit. Even I have my limits.
The Gallery of Taglines, ‘Where the Hell Was I?‘ Wing
Note: The very first post didn’t actually have it’s own tagline, so I’ve linked my original blog description to it. You wouldn’t want to miss one, now, would you? The lines are listed in the order in which they appeared.
- Nothing but honest, heartfelt commentary on random events, most of which never actually happened. Plus some other stuff.
- Because a world without parentheses would make too much damn sense…
- Bringing ADD to new heights of… hey, what’s that shiny thing over there?
- Could anything that involves this much drooling really be so bad?
- A blog? Something my body needs already! I like that…
- If you don’t understand it, it’s probably because you just don’t like it.
- Dragging you a little closer to lunacy with each sentence read…
- Spanning the globe to unearth silly, ridiculous crap — so you don’t have to!
- More changed subjects than a schizophrenics’ pep rally!
- A blog like dyslexic lite beer — it tastes filling, but it’s less great!
- If you can’t find this blog in the dark, then you’ve got no business looking for it in the first place.
- Oh, yeah? Well, my blog can kick your blog’s ass!
- First I write it on the walls in crayon; then I take my meds and type it in for you!
- With all these electrons whizzing around all over the place, shouldn’t we have more umbrellas?
- Hey, I don’t come up with this stuff. I just type what my dog is dictating.
- Putting the ‘more’ in sophomoric for almost ten whole days!
- I likes my blogs like I likes my women…
- Oh, it’s you again. Well, try to control yourself this time, will you?
- Because it’s the right blog to do. And a tasty way to do it!
- Bringing you the magical wonders of bloggery, in the comforts of your own home!
- No-Risk Guarantee: If You Don’t Like This Blog, We’ll Refund Your Eyeballs — No Questions Asked!
- Bringing you the thrill of blogtory, and the blogony of defeat.
- A blog for all of your 2000 parts!
- Dude! You’re gettin’ a Blog!
- That blog you keep reading… I do not think it means what you think it means.
- How many blogs would a blog dog log if a blog dog did log blogs?
- Blog. It’s what’s for dinner.
- The blog that launched a thousand ships of fools.
- Fill it to the rim… with Blog™!
- Disclaimer: no monkeys were actually harmed in the making of this blog.
- All your blog are belong to us!
- You must be at least this tall to read this blog.
- ‘We’ll leave the blog on for ya.’
- Blogging’s just like riding a bicycle… your legs are gonna get sore, and you should really wear a helmet.
- If you only read one blog this year… dude, frickin’ read faster!
- This product may impair your ability to operate heavy machinery. Please blog responsibly.
- Blog — the choice of a new generation.
- It’s not the blog that gets you. It’s the humidity.
- Hey, if at least ten people read this, I get to count it as community service!
- If it weren’t for blog posts, I’d have no posts at all.
- As you go through life / two rules should never bend / never blog about yourself / or pee into the wind.
- I may not know much, but I know what I blog.
- This here is my blog. Is it not nifty? Worship the blog.
- In blog, no one can hear you scream.
- You can blog me a little now, or you can blog me a lot later.
- Blog™ — a little dab’ll do ya.
- I’m bloggin’… yes indeedy, I’m bloggin’…
- Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your blog.
- More inane drivel than you can shake a stick at!
- Baby, once you’ve had blog, you never go back.
- I blog, therefore I am.
- Because if I tried to keep all this in my head, it’d leak out my ears.
- A blog a day keeps the dickheads away.
- You can be a fly on my wall if you want, but you’ll have to take a number.
- One o’ these days, Blog — pow! Right in the kisser!
- New and improved Blog™ — now with 58% more blather!
- Here we go, bloggers, here we go!
- De Doo Doo Doo De Blog Blog Blog.
- Mister Blog, that’s my name; that name again is Mister Blog!
- Some people call this a sling blog. But I calls it a Kaiser blog. Mmm-hmm.
- Boldly going where no blog has gone before.
- Hell hath no fury like a blog scorned.
- Take me out to the blog game; take me out with the clowns!
- Blog™ — for when you have that ‘not so fresh’ feeling.
- If you read it more than twice, you’re just playing with it.
- When a blogger meets a blogger, comin’ through the rye.
- If at first you don’t succeed, blog, blog again.
- Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of blog…
- It’s the ‘Good Hands’ blog.
- Because brevity is the hobgoblin of little blogs.
- Where we believe that no good tangent should go unpublished.
- It’s my blog / It never slogs / It makes me want to snog a hog / Read it up; it’s like brain nog / Blog!
- Worth every penny you’re not spending to read it.
- This blog is ribbed, for your comfort and her pleasure. And vice versa, if you’re into that sort of thing.
- I scream, you scream, we all scream for blog. Um, cream. Blog cream. Whatever that is.
- It’s the blog of the world as we know it… and I feel fine.
- Please keep hands and feet inside the blog at all times during the ride.
- Always bet on blog.
- All the crap that’s fit to blog.
- It’s not what you know that counts. It’s what you blog.
- For when you care enough to blog the very best.
- 100% natural blog from concentrate. Now available with extra pulp!
- Where the trains of thought have no brakes, and the engineers are asleep on the job.
- WARNING: Keep away from eyes and mouth. If ingested, induce vomiting immediately.
- To err is human; to err online in front of the whole world, divine.
- It’s one small step for man; one giant blog for drooling lunatics everywhere!
- It ain’t easy being blog.
- In the event of a water landing, this blog may be used as a flotation device.
- Running shit up the flagpole to see who notices the smell.
- An Equal Opportunity Annoyer (EOA).
- Abandon all sanity, ye who enter here!
- Here at blog, we don’t make inane rambling crap. We make inane rambling crap better.
- Out of the frying pan, and into the blog.
- You ask, ‘How much more blog could this be?’ And the answer is, ‘None. None more blog.’
- If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in your blog.
- The audience is slobbering.
- You won’t pay a lot… but you’ll read a lot.
- And this is your brain on beer and habanero peppers. Stay clean, kids.
- Melts in your mind, not in your eyes.
- Got blog?
- It’s ‘Chcken Soup’ for those voices in your head.
- Silly rabbit… coherence is for kids.
- It’s not completely random. Just think of it as ‘topic kebabs’.
- Apparently my insolence will be tolerated.
- It’s my blog. I’ll cry if I want to. You would cry too, if I blogged about you.
- Okay, I think I’ve got ‘quantity’ down pat. What was the other thing again?
- Live in your blog. Play in ours.
- It’s where the freaks who come out at night spend their afternoons.
- It’s a little like taking the blue pill and the red pill, and chasing them with Windex.
- Get thee behind me, sanity!
- Baring my soul… because baring the good stuff would get me thrown in jail.
- Three sheets to the wind, and seriously considering a fourth.
- The secret ingredient is bile.
- If you’re not part of the solution, then you’ll probably like it around here.
- Readers check in… but they don’t check out.
- Blogging for those who can’t blog themselves… and probably shouldn’t in the first place.
- Fly the friendly blog.
- Unsane at any speed.
- It takes a village idiot to raise a blog.
- Only the good blog young. And I’m no spring chicken, dammit!
- Shouldn’t at least one of us know better by now?
- At the sound of Tinkerbell hysterically screaming, you should turn the page.
- Plus le change, plus le meme blog.
- Maybe I’m born with it; maybe it’s Blog™.
So there you have it — the Story So Far, tagline style. The rest of this blog will be brought to you tagline-free.
(Until I redesign the whole thing again, and find room for it again. Keep your fingers crossed that it never happens.)
(Just for the record, my top ten personal favorites are:
- ‘A blog for all of your 2000 parts!’
- ‘Because brevity is the hobgoblin of little blogs.’
- ‘All the crap that’s fit to blog.’
- ‘An Equal Opportunity Annoyer (EOA)’
- ‘The audience is slobbering.’
- ‘Silly rabbit — coherence is for kids.’
- ‘Apparently, my insolence will be tolerated.’
- ‘Live in your blog. Play in ours.’
- ‘Get thee behind me, sanity!’
- ‘Unsane at any speed.’
I can’t help it if most of the rest of them are crap. This shit ain’t easy, you know!)
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