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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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How I Feel About… Orthodontists?

I don’t often get comments — real, non-spamspewing comments, anyway — on old posts. Hell, mostly I don’t often get comments, period. So when somebody takes the time to dig into the archives and leave me a note, I perk up and take note. Leave note, take note — that’s how it works around here, dig?

“When your doctor’s fingertips start pruning up because they’ve been soaking in you too long, something’s gone terribly, terribly wrong.”

And that’s just what happened a couple of days ago, when a fellow named ‘Pirate Dan’ stopped by to read, appropriately enough, How I Feel About… Pirates, buried deep in the bowels of the post pile. Here’s what Dan had to say on the subject:

You are half right. Pirates are good all the way around. Way more fun than orthodontists.

Really? Is that so? Way more fun? Well, there’s only one way to find out. You know the drill by now, folks. Let’s rock.


How I Feel About… Orthodontists

Orthodontists are BAD because they’re the people who give you braces. And generally speaking, people who shove bits of metal into your mouth or connect parts of your face together with rubber bands are

to be avoided. With extreme prejudice.

Orthodontists are GOOD because their lobbies usually have better reading material than dentists’ offices. There’s none of that preschooler ‘Highlights Magazine’ bullshit. It’s not the really good shit, mind you — you’ll have to see your barber for the latest copy of ‘Hustler’ or ‘Nips Galore!’ — but it’ll get you through the wait.

Orthodontists are BAD because no one — and I mean no one — should spend so long with their hands in another person’s orifice. I don’t care if it is just a mouth; it’s unsettling. When your doctor’s fingertips start pruning up because they’ve been soaking in you too long, something’s gone terribly, terribly wrong. I don’t see anything in the Hippocratic Oath about that.

Orthodontists are GOOD because most of them keep a gaggle of dental assistants in the office. And ‘dental assistant’ ranks very high on the list of professions that is both fully legal yet likely to be staffed by a smoking hot perky honey. It’s right above ‘kindergarten teacher’, and just below ‘hostess at Hooters’. You could look it up.

Orthodontists are BAD because it’s not something that any kid wants to grow up to be. Fireman, maybe. Baseball player, sure. Owner of a strip club — what little boy or girl wouldn’t want that job? I know I’m still saving my pennies to give it a shot some day. But orthodontist? Metalmouth, please. I don’t think so.

Orthodontists are GOOD because they can, after all, improve the looks of your smile. And the alternative is… well, not so good. That dude could put an eye out chewing a stick of gum. Ouch. Who’s ready to floss now?

Orthodontists are BAD because it’s not an easy word to work with. It’s hard to type, and awkward to say. You can’t say ‘orthodontist’ and be sexy; it’s not possible. I dare you — try slipping into something sheer and skimpy, slinking up to your lover’s ear and whispering, ‘Oooh… ortho…dontist.‘ You’re not gettin’ laid tonight. No soup for you. Next.

Orthodontists are GOOD because there’s always a final trip to the orthodontist. Even if you’re fitted with the full-on metalmouth ensemble, there’s always a light at the end of the taunting. A year, or two, or three down the road, and you’ll never have to see that damned orthodontist ever again. Sort of makes you wish proctologists worked the same way, dunnit?

Orthodontists are BAD because they often hand out retainers. While not quite as socially debilitating as braces, retainers are still a bit spooky, in that they’re bits of hard plastic carefully measured and molded to fit the shape of your mouth. Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m going to have a one-of-a-kind cast made of some part of my body, I do not plan on wearing it in bed, overnight, alone. And for the love of minty dental floss, I do not want it in my mouth! Not cool.

Orthodontists are BAD because they don’t give out treats when you’re finished with your visit. When your physician jabs you with needles and asks you to cough, you get a nice lolly. When the dentist drills your cavities into big smoking tooth holes, there’s at least sugar-free gum waiting at the end. Hell, even massage joints give you a choice — peppermint candy, or happy ending, stud? What does the orthodontist offer? A dead fish handshake and a ‘Happy Teeth’ sticker. Asshole.

Orthodontists are BAD because their entire job is predicated on putting things inside you, and making them stay there for weeks or months at a time. That sort of kink may play in Amsterdam or off the main strip in Vegas, but personally I’d like anything entering my body to get the hell out again as soon as possible. A little tasting, maybe some digestion, but then it’s time to get out. I’ve got a strict ‘No Loitering Inside Me’ policy. I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way.

So orthodontists are BAD. Actually pretty darned bad, at that.

And nowhere near as fun as pirates. I suppose Pirate Dan was right. I picture him out there somewhere right now, flashing his hand-hook and a crooked, gap-toothed smile at the victory. Give us an ‘Arrrrrrr‘, matey!

Permalink  |  5 Comments



5 Responses to “How I Feel About… Orthodontists?”

  1. Kristine says:

    Agreed; orthodontists are bad. My first orthodontist looked like Uncle Fester and my second looked like Mr. Rogers. Once Mr. Rogers took a personal phone call while my mouth was filled with cotton…I couldn’t swallow, and more and more saliva kept producing. I started panicking and I nearly hyperventilated. Finally, 10-15 minutes later he came back and drool had dribbled all the way down my face and on to the paper bib.

    It’s been a long time since that happened, but ya know, that’s the kind of thing that really sticks with you. :-(

  2. Sally says:

    I have worked as a dental assistant for over 10 Years and have come to the conclusion that most dentists are like used car salesman. Many of them are unethical. Most of them are stingy,greedy,creeps and treat their employes badly.

  3. Pirate Dan says:

    I have, in point o’ fact, ne’er truley been to ye orthodontifte; though my teethe be nearly perfecte. Yar.

    I didn’t really mean to bad-mouth orthodontists (pun acknowledged), I’m just saying they aren’t as cool as pirates.

  4. Lindsay says:

    Perhaps you should not generalize; I am going to school to be an orthodontist and I do not think that I am in any way a sadistic, pain-inflicting-craving, cheap, stingy asshole. As a matter of fact, I’m a 4′ 10″ female…can’t say I’m too threatening. So it really offends me that you are generalizing me into a group of people who you hold hostility towards only because you’re bitter. What’s more, those “hot assistants” of which you speak spend FAR more time in mouths than the orthodontist. You should probably give orthodontists credit, being that we are reshaping your malformed mouth so that people will not judge you on your smile. Not to mention, we are people who get shit on a daily basis (case in point) but still continue to keep face and do our jobs without crumbling under the constant beratings of people who can’t handle a little pain in their mouths.

    Pirates, however, are murdering, money grubbing, dirty, selfish theives. Let’s not confuse what a REAL pirate is…pirates are not the fairy princess versions that Disney portrays “ahem Jack Sparrow”…they are cold-blooded killers who would rather watch you get mauled by sharks than show any signs of decency. I’m willing to put money that put in the situation of dealing with a REAL pirate versus getting the wires tightened on your braces, you’re going to choose to have sore teeth for a day than a mangled body for the rest of your life.

    Also…orthodontist…or-tho-don-tist…it’s phonetic for god’s sake! You don’t get much easier than that for sounding out the spelling of a word.

  5. Suzanne says:

    To judge by my own unfortunate need to survey dentists: I would say 50% of dentists are ethical and competent, and 50% not. Some adhere to their profession’s codes of ethics, and some do not. Some do not adhere to any ethics! Here is an informal survey of orthodontists in my personal esperience: one orthodontist destroys the bite so only the four center front teeth come together, leaving no chewing surface: one dentist and two orthodontists cover up for him and jerk around the patient who has been injured by their friend, the first orthodontist; another orthodontist seems to adhere faithfully to the dental code of ethics and tells the patient most of the truth; and

    two dentists who are excellent in what they do and adhere to their oaths, give the patient the entire truth and are scientific about the problem. So…. that makes 3 very fine dentists who are also fine human beings, and 3 dentists who should be working on a demolition crew and not in any profession in which people’s health is dependent.

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