So, tell me, then — because I apparently don’t know the right answer:
When you’re in a lunch meeting with your bosses and co-workers, and one of the smartasses across the table nods and says, dripping with innuendo:
‘Hey… that’s a fine-looking banana you’ve got there.‘
Is the most proper, job-preserving reply to:
A) nod politely, and make a mental note to line his desk chair with SuperGlue later?
B) lob the ball back into his court by ignoring him completely, thereby daring him to shout, ‘I said, ‘Nice banana, dude!’‘ across the crowded table?
C) smile sweetly at him and say, ‘Yes, yes it is. Would you like a bite of my banana, then? There’s plenty to go around.‘?
D) frown at him snarkily and say, ‘Nice talk, dude‘, leaving the non-gutter-minded around you wondering what the hell just went on?
E) reply, ‘Well, at least it’s not a cucumber, bitch‘… also leaving the non-gutter-minded around you wondering what the hell just went on?
F) slyly nudge your neighbor and say to the smartass, ‘I’ll bet you say that to all the guys, don’t you, you little vixen?‘?
G) do some other, crazy bit of nonsense, like fling the banana at him and skitter out the door like a monkey?
See, I’m just asking because I can absolutely tell you that the answer is not:
H) loudly proclaim, so all can hear you, ‘Oh, you think that’s a banana? No, no — I’ll show you a banana, baby!‘
It’s probably also not wise — what with the stodgy old codgers and codgerettes around — to find yourself ‘on a roll’, and follow that up with anything like… oh, I don’t know, let’s say:
I) ‘Why don’t you come on over here and peel my banana, huh? It’s ripe, and it’s juicy, and just oozing with —‘
At that point — should you accidentally wander down that path, that is — someone beside you would most likely throw up a hand and say:
‘Hey! Not another word! You nasty pervert!‘
(I mean, theoretically, of course. Not that any of this ever actually happened. I’m just saying.)
(While I’m at it, though, the person stopping you would theoretically be a woman. And one who never liked you, anyway, and who you suspect is always stealing your fruit cups out of the office fridge. Theoretically. Bitch.)
At this point — this now highly theoretical point — you’re pretty much cooked. You’ve been called out, taken the bait, and now the whole theoretical room is now theoretically staring at you with less-than-theoretical disgust. There’s little you could possibly do to come back from this.
J) pull another, even larger banana from your lunch bag and say, as innocently as possible, ‘I was going to say, ‘potassium’. ‘Oozing with potassium’. What’s wrong with that?‘
Which is why, my friends, I always carry an extra, jumbo-sized banana with me at all times. Starting tomorrow. Theoretically. Bah.Permalink | 5 Comments