A Condo Conniption

August 8, 2011

I’m not overly protective of many things. My wife, my dog — on a particularly ‘frothy’ day, my favorite sports team du saison, maybe. But that’s about it.

Or so I thought. Evidently, my condo is also on the short list. I did not see that coming. Yet come it did. Like this:

“Maybe one of them bit or peed on or ate the other; I’m a little sketchy on the details, usually.”

Yesterday, my wife returned from a walk with the dog and reported — as often happens — that they met another furry little leashed critter during their jaunt. Usually, she’ll tell me what happened in the mutt encounter — they got along, or they didn’t. Maybe one of them bit or peed on or ate the other; I’m a little sketchy on the details, usually.

But this time, the missus focused on the pet owner:

‘She was a really nice lady; we ran into her just down the block. Said they moved in just last month.‘

‘Mmm-hmm. That’s nice, dear.‘

‘I told her we lived up the street, and she said they looked at a place right around here two years ago. On the first floor, with lots of wood and an updated kitchen.‘

‘M’kay, I’ll take the trash out in a little while, hon.‘

‘That sounds like our place. I think they looked at our condo at the same time we bought it.‘

‘Wait… really? Well, that’s kind of cool. I hope she was duly impressed by our-‘

‘She said the rooms were kind of small.‘

‘The rooms? Small? She said that?‘

‘That’s what she said.‘

‘SMALL?!‘

‘Well, yeah.‘

‘YOU TELL THAT BITCH FROM ME THAT SHE CAN SUCK MY SALTY BAL-‘

‘She said she had a family.‘

‘-SAMIC VINAIGRETTE IF OUR ROOMS ARE “SMALL”. THAT WOMAN CAN BITE MY AS-‘

‘They were looking for something different than we were!‘

‘-TROLOGY CHART IF SHE THINKS THESE ROOMS ARE SUBSTANDARD SIZE. THAT TWA-‘

‘It’s not a big deal! Too small for THEM, is all she said!‘

‘-NGY-HAIRED POODLE-MUNCHER HAS A LOT OF NERVE, STICKING HER FAT IGNORANT DINGLE-‘

‘SHE HAS TWO TEENAGED KIDS!!‘

‘Oh. Teenagers. Well, sure, the place would be a little small for teens. I can see that. And if that’s the case, then she’s suffering enough already. Carry on, dear.‘

So that was fun. And eye-opening, to boot. Don’t talk smack about my condo, apparently, or it’ll put me in a huff. I had no idea.

Now I wonder what other things I’m more protective of than I’d realized. Somebody come over and bad-mouth my toilet seat or taunt my toaster. I want to see how I feel about that.