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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
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Howdy, friendly reading person!Hey, folks. I’ve got an idea for a new feature around here — I’m gonna give it a whirl today, and if it flies, maybe I’ll make it a weekly thing, to brighten up our weekends forevermore.
(And if it flops miserably, then we’ll just share an uncomfortable glance and never speak of this again. Like when I told my parents I thought it’d be cool to be a writer when I grew up. Meh.)
Anyway, here’s the thing, and I’m calling it: Punchline Fever! Here’s how it works:
1) I’ll sit around, day and night, thinking of a short but flexible setup for a joke.
B) I’ll post the best setup I can think of, but with a blank where the punchline should go.
iii) Then it’s up to you to come up with your best line, and leave it in the comments, for all to snicker over.
I’ll get us started each time with a sorry punchline of my own, but I expect you to beat it! Show me up, people; I can take it. Sound like fun? Then let’s waste no more time, and join together for the inauguration of this little enterprise of ours. Whee!
Punchline Fever #1:
‘I’m sorry you had another ‘accident’ in the kitchen, Martha. But honestly, you wouldn’t have these problems if you’d ________________________’
See? Fun! It’s like a caption contest without all the pretty pictures. Or a do-it-yourself comedy show. Or MadLibs, sort of, only not.
Anyway, hit me with your best line. I’ll get us started, but I’m counting on you to make this worth the effort, people. I can’t do it alone.
(Well, okay, technically, I could do it alone, but sitting here trading punchlines with the dog is gonna get old really fast. You wouldn’t have me do that, would you? Would you?!)
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…stop trying to use your ‘egg beaters’ as a contraceptive device.
damn you. I hate these kinds of things because I can never think of anything witty to say.
THANKS ALOT!
…put some clothes on when you fry the bacon.
…remember where you put the zuchini before you sit down.
…put out the dogs before you smear the peanut butter on yourself.
(ok that was just pathetic, I’ll quit now)
I don’t know, maybe “put more vegetable oil on the rolling pin”?
Wait, that doesn’t sound right.
How about “use CHICKEN eggs”.
No, that’s too subtle.
How about “stop using the doga as a tea cozy”. No that’s no good. I don’t even know what the hell a tea cozy is, for god sake!
I’ll hafta ruminate. (I hope that means run off and think)
…first slather your naughty bits with Crisco.
… bought stocks in “Depends”!
…stop running the red light in the living room.
tranquilize the monkey, BEFORE your insert the baster!
typo, sorry…
it should read:
tranquilize the monkey, BEFORE you put in the baster.
You call it fever? I call it cramp… OK, so someone’s got to have the boring but pratical comments too:
“…admit you can’t cook and got a Swedish chef instead.”
“…start taking that potty-training course I’ve paid for already.”
“…put a shotgun to his head and pulled the trigger instead of trying to kill him with flying cucumbers.”
Yes, I’m leaving through the back door now, no need to be polite…
‘I’m sorry you had another ‘accident’ in the kitchen, Martha. But honestly, you wouldn’t have these problems if you’d…
…learn your proper place, woman – why you make me hit you like that, huh? Why you make me hurt you? Now quit your damn sniveling and clean up these broken dishes – I don’t care if your nose IS broken, bitch, you just tell folks that your dumb ass walked into a door again. You got that? Huh? I can’t hear you! Aw, hell, now you’ve gone and splashed blood all over my shoes. Why do I even put up with your crap? I’m going out to get drunk and bang your sister. Don’t wait up.’
HAHAHAHA!!! Domestic abuse is fucking FUNNY. Pure comedy gold, right there. Feel free to use that one in your act – it’s a real crowd-pleaser.
quit mixing the clorox with the ammonia. Relax, the paramedics are on their way!
… use the god damned toilet!
…learn not to get caught when dumping your stock. Then no one would be angry, no one would tamper with the kitchen appliances, and you wouldn’t have beets all over the ceiling!
‘I’m sorry you had another ‘accident’ in the kitchen, Martha. But honestly, you wouldn’t have these problems if you’d . . .stop doing lines of coke off a dead hookers back. And put away the scrapbook of OJ Simpson,Scott Peterson and Robert Blake, it won’t look good when the cops show up.
had your lawyer present.
only had turned Dr. Laura off before your husband came home.
I’m sorry you had another ‘accident’ in the kitchen, Martha. But honestly, you wouldn’t have these problems if you’d…
… leave the pots in the kitten and the spittoon in the hall.
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