Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Now I See You… Now Can I Go, Please?

I made a visit to the optometrist last week. It’s never a particularly comfortable experience, but this time they managed to make it even more squirmy than usual. I think maybe they’ve been practicing.

As usual, the first thing they asked me to do was remove my contact lenses. It’s a reasonable request, I guess — except that I showed up twenty minutes early for my appointment (for once). So instead of effectively blinding myself and being led in to see the doctor immediately, I was dumped — myopic and defenseless — back in the lobby where normal, mostly-sighted people were shopping for eyeglasses. I’m sure they were all staring and pointing at the doofus meandering along the wall like a drunken spelunker to find a chair — but how the hell would I know? It’s not like I could see them or anything.

(For the record, I don’t object to being stripped of my corrective lenses while I’m in the joint; if they need my eyeballs to be unfettered for their crazy optometrical eye-xperiments, well, that’s what I’m there for.

I’m just suggesting that maybe we could disrobe my peepers in the exam room, privately — and during the actual doctor’s visit. That way, I’m not stuck all squinty and pitiful in the waiting area where people might get the wrong idea. One time, I went in wearing sunglasses and drinking a soda. People kept dropping change into my cup on the way by.

I swallowed two nickels and a parking meter slug before I realized what was happening. Freakin’ cheapskates.)

Eventually, they retrieved me and led me in to see the doctor. She ran through a few tests, squirted unnamed liquids of various colors into my eyes — Kool-Aid? Antifreeze? ‘Hey doc, how come this one smells like asparagus?’ — and let me put my lenses back in. As crisp precious clarity swept away the graymorphous blobs of the past hour’s existence, I looked at the optometrist, smiling at me from her chair.

And searched frantically for an excuse to tear the lenses back out.

It’s not that my doc is ugly, mind you. Far from it — she’s an attractive lady, in her mid-forties, probably, with dark hair and the sort of skin tone that suggests at least one of her parents grew up sipping olive oil somewhere along the Mediterranean.

(Or she’s Native American. Or Pakistani. Or maybe she’s a compulsive tanner, or dips herself in a vat of shellac every morning. Who knows?

Clearly, my ethnicity-based-on-skin-tone deductive powers are lacking when I can’t tell the difference between Northern Italian heritage and three coats of Thompson Water Seal. Fortunately, that’s not the point. This time.)

No, the only problem with my doc is the look. She’s somehow developed — carefully crafted, even, over years of patient interactions, no doubt — this… this look that she fixes you with while you’re in the chair. It features a slight smile — just an upturn of one corner of the mouth, really — with wide-open eyes and just the hint of a playful twinkle. It’s clear she’s worked long and hard on this expression; I suspect it’s her own personal ‘Blue Steel’. It’s meant to convey to her patients that she’s here to help us — she’s friendly, and open, and not overly serious when she doesn’t have to be. As a doctor, she can be trustworthy, a confidant, a partner in eye care. That’s what she seems to be going for.

“I’ve always had trouble reading Pakistani-Italio-Cherokee women. Especially the varnished ones.”

What I get from it is that she’s mulling over stabbing me with a saline dropper and stuffing the body in the dumpster out back. Which is really not the sort of vibe you want to be getting from someone who just pumped your eyeballs full of chemicals and has you trapped in a dark room. Alone. With medical supplies.

Of course, it’s possible I’m misinterpreting her look. My continued survival after several trips to see the woman — or to squint toward the sound of her voice, mostly — would suggest that her intentions are less than homocidal. And frankly, I’ve always had trouble reading Pakistani-Italio-Cherokee women. Especially the varnished ones.

Still. That look is one I’ve only seen on the likes of Law & Order baddies, and the sorts of calmly psychopathic killers they show in horror movie trailers before you’ve had time to avert your eyes. I’m not sure what that means for me — but I do have a follow-up appointment next week, for a “fitting”.

Only, I didn’t order new contacts. And they told me to park in the alley behind the office this time. And to ‘come alone‘.

You know, if it weren’t for the $10 co-pay on my insurance for going to this place, I would seriously think about finding a new optometrist.

Permalink  |  2 Comments



2 Responses to “Now I See You… Now Can I Go, Please?”

  1. eve says:

    Charlie,

    Hahaha, you’re just lucky they didn’t blow your pupils for a month..it happens!

    Welcome to Humor Bloggers,

    Eve

  2. Erin says:

    I’ve always wondered at the fact that my optometrist makes me blind, knowing fully just how powerful my prescription is, and then wants to know if I can see the letters on the chart. Dude – WHAT CHART?!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

HumorSource

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved