Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

It’s the Little Things That Kill

If my wife ever divorces me, it’ll be because of soap. Or more precisely, the lack thereof.

And just to get it out of the way now, I don’t mean that in a ‘he doesn’t use soap; I’m trapped in a smelly marriage!‘ kind of way.

Any filthiness I have is all in my head. Otherwise, I’m squeaky clean. Honest. I even floss my toes.

“Frankly, I’m surprised she hasn’t stuffed a pillowcase full of Ivory Spring and beaten me with it by now.”

Besides, not bathing would be a Big Thing. Nobody ever gets divorced over Big Things, because you can’t hide Big Things coming into a relationship. By the time the nuptials roll around, both parties know all about the Big Things — he has a gambling problem, maybe, or she’s a compulsive shopper. Maybe he’s homeless and sings ‘Oklahoma‘ during sex, and she’s an ex-con turned Jehovah’s Witness. She’s got three nipples and a vestigial tail, and the phrase, ‘can you hear me now?’ sends him into an uncontrollable murderous rage. Now there’s a lovely couple. I always wondered when those crazy kids would get together.

The point is, all the Big Thing baggage gets handled early on. Or it doesn’t, and ‘early on’ is all there is before the messy breakup. But once you’ve been married for a while, you’ve been coping with Big Things for so long, it’s become second nature.

(For the record, my wife doesn’t have any Big Things for me to deal with. Trust me, I looked.

Unless you count not letting me wear jeans to weddings and fancy restaurants. But somehow, I think that’s another one of my Big Things, rather than hers.

Or so she tells me.)

So, all that’s left are the Little Things, those daily annoyances and quirks and borderline personality disorders that drive your partner to consider renting a wood chipper and going all Fargo on your ass. That’s where my Little Thing with the soap comes in.

I have a mental block involving soap in the shower. When I use the last of the soap, I fail — consistently, predictably, and infallibly — to replace said soap. In the shower, I make a mental note: ‘Replace the soap’. Three minutes later, it’s gone. Completely. Shut the water off — nothing. Towel myself down — still forgotten. Shave, dress, brush my teeth — ‘I have no recollection of that mental note, Senator.’ It’s simply gone.

Which leaves my wife — my poor, long-suffering wife — to hop into the shower the next morning, soak under the water for a bit… and then climb back out, drippy and annoyed, to find a bar of damned soap. Frankly, I’m surprised she hasn’t stuffed a pillowcase full of Ivory Spring and beaten me with it by now. It’s a hell of a way to die, but at least I’d be fragrant at the funeral.

For some reason, I can’t shake this soapy monkey off my back. The missus and I have had other Little Things, and they’ve all been fixed. We’ve both been guilty of not replacing an empty toilet paper roll. For a while, she refused to follow proper ice tray filling protocol. And once — once! — I left the toilet seat up. That was many years ao. I still have the flashbacks.

Probably, there are other Little Things I’m forgetting. I’m sure forgetting the soap can’t be my only annoying habit. But it’s the one that’s lasted the longest, with no sign of abating. So if I’m ever served ‘the papers’, that’ll be near the top of the ‘Reasons for Divorce’ list, I’m sure.

Right after the third nipple and the ‘Oklahoma‘ thing. Can you hear me now?

Permalink  |  No Comments



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved